Coming Home to Kansas

Pictures of Garrett dressed as Blix/Blunder from LEGEND.
He won "best costume" last night at a party and has a bag of pixie sticks to prove it.... lucky sod.

"May be innocent, may be sweet... ain't half as nice as rotting meat."

"Look! Ugly one-horned mule!"

"Mortal world turned to ice... Here be goblin paradise!"

Also... a couple pics of Cujo *i mean, Ava* waiting for the unsuspecting trick~or~treaters to show up.

Can you guess which jack o' lantern is mine?

Lesley and Topher (last Christmas!!) and our cats, Mileena and Kitana.

The cleaning fairy ponders what to clean next.

Here is my halloween costume. Gotta love it!

My parents finally decided to stay in Kansas when they retire. I don't know what the other options were, but they told us last year or so that they picked Kansas. In the past few years, I've been back to Marion so rarely that I can see my childhood home with a lot more objectivity, and it's an old property now, whereas when I lived there, it was something of an upstart. It feels so rooted to the earth, and the past. It's really wonderful.

And they have been able to afford a lot more home improvements since Katie and I left, so the house is incredibly gorgeous. About three years ago, they added a screened-in porch at the back, off the family room (that was pretty new in high school), and it's the highlight of the whole property. In fact, let me just put the idea in your heads a year early: it would be a lovely place to have dinner when we all reunite, and my mom already wants to host it.

Anyway, she is busy all the time at work, but she still does pottery when she has time--last weekend was a wood-fired clinic she participated in.

Dad is also super busy nonstop. In addition to his regular job, he runs the Big Brother, Big Sister in Hillsboro, has organized after-school guitar clubs, and ran the Chicago Marathon two years ago.


He still plays the guitar all the time, and this photo is of him picking up the guitar and jamming with the band that played for Katie's wedding.



Katie grew up to be super pretty, super fun, and my best friend.

She's a grad student at Rush in Chicago, following in mom's footsteps and getting her degree in Speech Language Pathology. Going to Rush prepares her for working in the hospital setting, so she'll probably make a ton of money soon. The year before she went to grad school, she worked in the Chicago Public Schools. I think all of her experiences have told her she'd prefer to work with adults. She's all excited about SLP stuff--I frankly don't understand a single thing she and mom talk about.


She and Chris just got married over Labor Day this year. He is the rulingest of all possible brothers-in-law. Just an all-around fantastic person.

And, oh yeah, my family now includes Tim:

(As a mouse in last year's children's production of "Lilly and the Purple Plastic Purse.")




He is, obviously, an actor.

And Fergus and Olivia. (Fergus is the bigger one.) I had Fergus first, for about four years, then we got him a friend a little over a year ago. It took a while, but occasionally I will catch them cuddling now. Olivia is a lot more outgoing than he is, but he's still my favorite.



Olivia has a remarkable resemblance to a vampire bat:

I was lookn 4 a pattern 2day&happened on all of my old notes&letters 1 of them from steve refern 2 a name he was given by jennifer&lesley it made me laugh steve reeve the handsome windblown driver failed2share thehumor i dont think i found it so fun e then

Jack O'Lantern! This is the one I carved last night as I watched Labyrinth and waxed nostalgic on Halloweens of the past. My own design, this pumpkin became part demon, part goblin, part cat. I will post another picture of it in the dark. Ooooooooo, scary!

Jack O'Lantern lit! (For some reason, I didn't get both of my images in the same post -- sorry they take up more room than necessary.)

I found a fairy in the lawn!

Kidding. It's Arina in her halloween costume. Poor baby, I coated her in glitter and MADE her pose. As you can see it was *extremely* hard to get her to take pictures. ;)

She's such a ham! The boys are much tamer as they are Batman and Darth Vader. I should have dressed Logan up as Cosmo from the Fairly odd parents, but he just didn't want to wear the fairy wings.

It's Friday, I'm bored, I'm Sydney Bristow! This is the wig I wore a few Halloweens ago -- I just thought I would put it on again and model for you all. (yes, I am that bored.) But I really love it! Maybe I'll just wear it out somewhere this weekend. Whaddya think?

I saw Mariah's mom yesterday.

I was in Marion because Dad had been feeling some pressure in his chest over the last weekend, went to the doctor, and found out that he had some vessel blockage. So, i dashed home wednesday morning to marion, and drove mom and dad to the heart hospital in Wichita. They did a heart catheter and determined that the vessel was to small to get into, so it'll be treated with medicine. We went back home that night.

So, i spent the day yesterday, making breakfast, running errands... visited my nana in the Goessel Alzheimer's Care Center...

And as i was coming back in to town, it kept coming over me; that want and need to go see Julie. After all, it had been over a year. The guilt of not going in to talk with her, let alone hug her and make sure she's okay, has been weighing heavy on my conscience for a while now.

So, i pulled into the flower shop, took a deep breath and walked in through the front door and all the way through to the back.

Julie was sitting in a chair, talking to a customer, when she caught me standing in the doorway. I felt a wave of relief when i saw her smiling at me. I don't know what i'd expected; For her to rant and rave, "WHY THE HELL HAVEN'T YOU BEEN TO SEE ME, YOU DISRESPECTFUL LITTLE TWIT? AND WHERE ARE THOSE PICTURES THAT YOU PROMISED ME!?".... and then kick me out? In my mind, i'm so dramatic and expect the worst. It's ridiculous. But, like i said before, she smiled... and there was that air of comforting relief. Mariah and Julie looked so much alike.

Well, the talkie customer finally left and i went over to Julie and hugged and kissed her *as much as she could... she'd done something to her back and groin... lifting plants and flowers, the poor woman*. It felt so good to do that again.

I apologised for not visiting sooner, to which she brushed my words away as if they were ridiculous and unnecessary. "Pssssh! Don't be silly!.. Time flies... and you have a life... everyone's busy..."

She pointed out her big callico cat, YoYo... "Did you see Yo?"
"Yeeeeeeeees!... Hi, Yo!!!"
"No, did you see his face?"
".......noooooooooooo?..."
"Take a look!...."
"AAAACK!.... oh my god!..."
Apparently, Yoda had lost an eye.
But it was healing over ever-so-nicely.
"Yeah... it's really funny when he walks into walls.... he kinda sits there, like, DUUUUH?!" :)

Then she introduced me to the kitten that she'd gotten on the anniversary of Mariah's passing. Playful and sweet... Mariah would've loved her. She always seemed so relaxed with her cats. Though, Julie later said that she'd decided that she'd become more of a dog person since she'd been working at the vet clinic. Less scratches and trouble.

We went to the office. She sat in her chair and i sat on the floor at her feet, and we talked about the latest news; Cried about Mariah.... but laughed about her, too.

She told me about when Hannah came to visit her. She said her heart almost stopped because she thought that she was Mariah. It saddened her, but she was so happy to see her.
Every time Julie started thinking or remembering and talking about Mariah, her eyes filled up with tears, her face tinted to a deep blush, and she would have to stop herself. It was heart-wrenching. And though i thought i'd had my emotions under control, just to see her going through so much pain... it just seemed so unfair. Like she was bearing more pain than any mother should ever have to feel and harbor. I just can't imagine.

I used to wish that i would die before my parents did so i would never have to feel so much agony of losing two people that i love more than the world itself. I don't wish that anymore. I hope garrett and i outlive our parents. I know it would hurt them too much if we didn't.

But then after moments of sadness, she'd come back with a smile. Or some words about Mariah's behavior or an experience that she'd talked about with her... that would make me smile and laugh. She seems so strong, but so exhausted with grief.
We remembered her crooked, spidery fingers and how she'd always paint the nails in attempt to make them look attractive... the 3 or 4 moles on her left chipmunk cheek... her toothy smile... or the way she'd stand impatiently and lankily ~ knees popped out, shoulders hanging down...

I told Julie about our blog. She's glad we're all talking again and she'd like to take a look, but she doesn't have internet access. *Would you all be okay with me printing off the posts that involve Mariah and mail them to her? I thought that it would be something concrete for her to hold in her hands... to read as many times as she wanted, reminding herself that her daughter is still loved so much and remembered dearly by her friends. If some of you feel uncomfortable with that idea, that's cool and understandable. But i think i'll at least copy the posts that i've written and give those to her. Let me know, okay?*

I asked her if there was a memorial that we could visit and pay our respects to.
She said "no"; she was making her own memorial for mariah in her backyard with her garden. There's an angel holding a bird that represents Mariah. *I think i'm going to contribute something for her to put in it. If any of you would want to as well, i'm sure she'd love it*
She also remembers her when she visits her parent's grave site in the Florence cemetary... "and then i talk to all three of them there."

I inquired about Mariah's ashes and mentioned the idea about the reunion at the lake. At the time of the funeral, it was my understanding that Julie and Brian would divide the ashes between them. Sadly, Brian said that he wouldn't be able to part with them. That it would be like "giving just an arm... or a leg..." It didn't feel right to him. And of course, Julie's upset by this. She loved Mariah so much. She must want something to pay homage to and visit that representing her daughter, just as Brian wants so badly to keep this form of his wife close to him.
She did say, however, that if she ever did get possession of any of her ashes, she'd like to scatter them where she scattered her parent's.
I felt so guilty for bringing up the subject of the reunion idea, even though she wasn't upset by it, and left the subject alone.

She confirmed Tyler's filing for divorce and said she was worried about him. He doesn't really talk too much about Mariah, but when he does, it's filled with guilt of unspoken words to her. I know he loved his big sister incredibly and that she loved him just as much... she often said so.

Julie mentioned that she goes to a support group for parents that have lost their children. I asked how big the group was.... she said, "Well... when you think about it... there are lot of parents in this area that have lost their kids. So, it's a good size." I hadn't ever really thought about it. But she's so right and I'm really glad that she has that support.

We must've talked for an hour and a half.

And when it was time for me to go, we exchanged address/phone #s, hugged and kissed each other, said goodbye, pledged to keep in touch, and i went home.

It was almost like talking with Mariah again. They look so much alike. Mariah inherited so much of Julie. I hope she'd realized it, too.

My Halloween kicks off today with my work's Fall Festival. My friends and I entered the pumpkin-carving contest. I suggested a cat face because that sounded easy. Triangle-ish eyes and some whiskers, and put some felt ears on. But they misunderstood me, so when I arrived and they had the pumpkin gutted, they had a silhouette of a cat drawn on. In the end, it was really cool, but I don't think we'll win. Other people actually brought accessories to dress up their jack-o-lanterns.

(I think that's cheating, but whatever.)

Now my cheese pie is waiting to be judged in the pie contest. (My pie even has a fancy strawberry garnish on one side--which is really to cover up this spot where one of the cats took a bite out of it. I scooped out the cat bite mark and filled it in with sour cream, but it was a different shade of white than the previously baked sour cream, so I had to cover it somehow.) I better win. I am super competetive.

We had so much fun carving the pumpkin that I think we'll do it again, when my friends come over for dinner and scary movies on Saturday.

I don't know if I'm going to a costume party this year, though, which makes me sad.

How are you celebrating?

What's been your best costume throughout the years?

What are you wearing this year?

(If you say you're not into Halloween, you're disqualified from this blog! Halloween rules!)

ETA: since we can't link to pictures in the comments, I'll put this here:

In the past few years, my costume of choice has been an Osbick bird. (The Osbick comes from an Edward Gorey tale. I got the idea from a musical I accompanied a few Halloweens ago.) If I can't think of what to dress as, this is my default. I can't find the stinking mask right now, though, so I may have to come up with a new idea for this weekend.



Ok, not the best intro to Tim, though he really does have an incredible ass, but here's more of the costume. Only missing from the picture are the black and white striped stockings I wear with it. This was with our Earth Mother friend Jamie.



I've decided that this year, I'm going as Mrs White, in the Library, with the Candlestick. And Tim is going to be Mr. Body. I have a really fabulous red Asian embroidered satin dress that, if I'm not mistaken, Catie gave me years ago. It's perfect. A few years ago I wore it as a gun moll when I was dating a Chinese guy who tattooed himself up to be a fierce gangster one Halloween.

Over the years, i seem to have fallen into a void that prohibits me from finding the time to do more reading. But some of my favorite authors are:

• Alex Haley ~ ROOTS
• Jane Austen ~ SENSE AND SENSIBILITY/PRIDE AND PREJUDICE
• John Steinbeck ~ EAST OF EDEN/OF MICE AND MEN/THE GRAPES OF WRATH
• Meredith Anne Pierce ~ DARK ANGEL
• William Shakespeare ~ *practically everything, but favorites are MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING, ROMEO & JULIET, HAMLET, THE TAMING OF THE SHREW, TWO GENTLEMAN OF VERONA, and MACBETH.*
• Dorothy Parker ~ NOT SO DEEP AS A WELL
• Tennessee Williams ~ CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF/SUDDENLY, LAST SUMMER/THE GLASS MENAGERIE
• Harper Lee ~ TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD
• Edgar Allen Poe ~ THE RAVEN, THE CASK OF AMONTILLADO
• Edward Albee ~ WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF?
• Roald Dahl ~ MATILDA/CHARLIE & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY
• C.S. Lewis ~ THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA
• Lewis Carroll ~ THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS

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Favorite TV Shows~

• 24
• HUFF (hank azaria is so hot.)
• THE L WORD
• THE SOPRANOS
• FRIENDS
• EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND
• WILL & GRACE
• BIOGRAPHY

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Favorite Past-times:

• Shooting photographs and spending time in the dark room
• painting in my studio
• sketching
• playing with my puppy, Ava
• shopping at antique stores
• creating cd compilations
• eating out at my favorite restaurants (JB Stouts, The Mad Greek, La Parilla, Jason's Deli)
• going with friends to coffee houses and drinking hazelnut latte while we play cards and talk
• cooking *favorites are: chili-rubbed pork kebabs with pineapple/cilantro salsa, teriyaki chicken, thanks to mariah who taught me how to make it*
• yoga *when i can find the time*
• watching ice hockey
• going to art museums and galleries
• gardening
• going to garage sales/flea markets with my mom/Aunt Janet
• listening to music
• going to concerts *here's the list... (The Jets!, New Kids On The Block, Cris/Cross, Stacy Q, Jermaine Stewart, Stone Temple Pilots, Cheap Trick, Tori Amos, Paul Simon, Brian Wilson, The Pixies, The Reverand Horton Heat, Belle & Sebastian, Rasputina, The Vines, Jet)*
• traveling *i lived in Washington for a summer, in a beach house about a 1/4 mile from the shore... also traveled to Ohio, Virginia, D.C., Florida... and just got back from a vacation to the Keyes and the Bahamas*
• sleeping *i LOVE my bed* :)

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Anyways... there are some more tidbits about moi.

some current things i've been doing... learning italian/started an oil painting for Danielle's little girl, Berlyn/making glass magnets *maybe i'll send some to you all when i get your cds finished*, shooting pictures for events *weddings/senior portraits*, and of course... getting back in touch with all of my great friends, whom i've dearly missed over the years. That's the BEST thing i've been doing lately. :)

What are your favorites that you own?

Favorite all-time?

Current favorite?

Best movie this year?

What does your movie collection say about you?

What do you think?

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Ok, I'm just kidding. All this piercing/tattoo talk reminded me of the next one I am getting, so I drew it on tonight just to get used to it. I think it's a bit heavy, particularly the right tail. I'm getting it when we move back to Chicago. I've wanted this particular one for eleven years--will be twelve by the time I actually get it. It has a good story, plus it's pretty.

When Garrett and I were chatting online the other day, we were talking about how we all need to catch up with everyone's "favorites," for lack of a better word (ha! talk about word choice!). We were suddenly really excited at the prospect of catching up with everyone's latest cultural obsessions, reading frenzies, interest du jour..... You know, what have you been listening to/reading/ watching/ loving/recommending to others in the past ten years or so? Have there been things you encountered and you immediately thought one/some/all of us would love it? I can remember many of the things we loved then, but what about now?

I'm gonna let more of you post on this topic (if you want) before I weigh in.....I suppose if you want, you could be all John Cusack in High Fidelity and do your "top 5's" of everything, but I always find that impossibly hard. Just tell us what ya love!

Jen~ i was just looking at the pictures that you posted and realized that you use Flickr, too!so i checked out your work... you're so good! I LOVE the ones of your sister... the pears... and the field/iced tea... those are so beautiful. I hope we remember our cameras when we all get together again.
If you're interested, here's my Flickr page.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/catiev/

Riding the dashboard,
watching the street lights slide up the hood
and across our silent faces,
rivulets of Coke race beyond my mouth
as the car stumbles across a pothole.
The one stoplight is always green.
It is so dark tonight, getting late,
and I should be home now
reading some novel to the sounds
of the ten o'clock news and occasional cars
on the highway.
Instead I am here, listening to our quiet words
beneath Natalie Merchant or Jewel,
asking Mariah to keep driving.
So we lap the town again and again,
feigning curiosity in shadow figures who walk alone.
It's a small town we circle,
so small I can see
the lamp lit windows
in Catie's house on Santa Fe street.

(Yeah, so I'm no Roethke and never purported to be one. I wrote this 10 years ago and am tempted to add a Mike Myers' "This poem.......sucks" ala So I Married An Axe Murderer...... :) Nonetheless, I hope you can enjoy it for its spirit and memory!)

Okay, so yesterday, my original plan was to share with everyone the first time i met each of you. HOWEVER... I've concluded that, at my ripe old age of 27, my memory isn't quite as "spry", shall i say? :) As you can all see from my so-called Blabbermouth-catie-screws-up-once-again post about LeAnn.
Therefore... i have thus decided to recall "an instance of hilarity" that i have experienced with ellie. So, sit back... grab your popcorn... and prepare to be SHOCKED! STUNNED! AND... UN... SETTLED.... :)
where to begin, where to begin...
WELL. i BELIEVE Ellie was home from college for a weekend.... must've been '97 or '99? oh hell, i don't know...
ONE YEAR... ellie came home and i was so excited to see her! She suggested that i come up to her parent's house to visit for a little while. So, i scurried on up there... hoping that i didn't make a wrong turn and go down the wrong road to the crazy lady's house *what was her name? Ms. Marr or something?* (Also, i KNOW that it's not hard to find the barta-moran house, people... but, i'm C-A-T-I-E! i can get lost in FLORENCE!*
Anyway, thanks to the gods, i found my way there and ellie greeted me with a big hug. We talked and laughed for a while... and then... ellie got this mischeivious smile that slowly inched it's way across her face. She said, "Wanna see something?..."
(Now. You know when ellie asks you if you "want to see something"... it's either going to be REALLY WIERD... OR REALLY AWESOME... )
Of course, i say "YEAH!" and she does the "okay, c'mon" headjerk and jumps up to go upstairs.
So, on our way upstairs, Paula's sitting in the room... reading a book... catches us on the way up and, non-chalantly but in a very interested way, says, "What's up, guys?"... Like she can SMELL that ellie's up to something. :)
We say "nothing..." and shoot the breeze for a little while...
and then high-tail it upstairs.
Ellie closes one of the room's doors and says quietly, "i got my nipples pierced!"
"WHAAAAAT?!?!"
"Yeah! Wanna see?!"
Now, some people would come back with a "no, that's okay.. i believe you"... or a "no, thanks... god will burn my eyes out with hot skewers if i see such a thing."
Not me... i say, "YEAAAAAAH!"
so she shows me. And i'm kinda standing there, like, OUCH! Damn! How can anyone let someone ELSE do that to them!?!?!
Thus i become totally envious of ellie. What a badass. Piercing BOTH nipples... and having the balls to show her friends, too.
But it didn't stop there, folks! No, no!
"Wanna touch them!?"
LOL! WHAAAAAAAAT?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THE BUCK STOPS HERE! BUT THANKS FOR ASKING, ELLIE! :)

Anyway, to some of you, you're probably thinking (especially ellie) 'is this story really necessary?'
NO.
And some of you are probably thinking 'What's the point of this story?'
Not a damn thing.
EXCEPT...
Being friends with ellie inspired me to be more daring... try new things *not nipple-piercing, but OTHER new things*... She inspired me to try cous-cous... play the piano more *remember constantly asking you to play the theme to SCHINDLER'S LIST?*...
And even get my... navel pierced. :)

Just like all of you, i love my ellie-girl for her eccentricities, enthusiasm, and curiosity... :)
And she makes damn fine Fiesta Nacho Cheese, too. :)

I think I need to amend something I said earlier. I said something about feeling guilty for missing Mariah's funeral and my reason wasn't a good one. I said at the time that it was because of Asher and not finding anyone to watch him, but this was before he was born. So it must have been something stupid that had to do with work instead. I think that's what it was since I was doing work stuff 24/7 for a while there. Either way it was a completely mundane and ridiculous reason that I should have worked harder to find a way around.

I just had a hilarious experience that I wanted to share with you all. I see that we've all been fairly serious with our posts today, and I wondered if I should wait to share this. Then I thought how much Mariah herself would enjoy this story and so I have decided to continue.

So I was sitting upstairs today feeding Asher his lunch in his high chair (sweet potatoes...yum), and Daisy, one of our cats, was a few feet away, perched on the dining room table and watching us. She likes to hang around during meals in case I might be getting some ham out of the fridge at some point. I wasn't paying any attention to her of course, even though she is NOT supposed to be on the table. I could sense her nosing around over there, though, and suddenly there was a wild clawing sound, cat fur flying everywhere, and the pile of mail she was next to fluttered to the ground all over the room. She leaped off the table and did two tearing laps around it, during which I noticed something white stuck to the end of her tail. I tried to cut her off because I knew where she was headed, but she got past me and tore down to the basement. Her safe spot is all the way in the back of the basement and then up into the ceiling via some storage shelves. No one can ever find her up there.

I looked around trying to figure out what had scared her and I saw Asher's bottle of Baby Advil on the table but no syringe. The people who make these medicines always unwisely put a syringe in the box for you to dispense the medicine instead of making the lid itself into a dropper. Don't ask me why. So you have to dip the syringe all the way down into the medicine to get some out and after you do, the whole thing is covered with sticky purple goo which you can't wash off right away because you've just given the baby medicine and he is in the process of deciding whether to swallow it or project it onto your shirt.

Evidently Daisy swished her (immensely bushy) tail a little too close to said syringe and it stuck in her tail fur, causing extreme panic. She has come out of her safe spot, which is the good news. The bad news is that the syringe is now gone, and I have no hope of finding it in the near future. She's always been a little jumpy. Once her cat teaser on a string wrapped itself around her tail and she did the same thing. She wouldn't play with that toy for a year and a half. Now the only thing left to find out is whether she will be forever deathly afraid of 1. the dining room table, 2. white things, or 3. the scent of grape.

Hey guys.....um. I've been thinking. About Mariah. I think most of you know I wasn't there at Mariah's funeral. I owe an explanation, I think. I didn't go on purpose, and I hope you will all forgive me. Lesley, Jen, and Sarah you may not know about this, but when Corey Darrow died, I didn't take it very well. I was fine when I heard he had died in the accident, I was fine in the days before the funeral. But the day of the funeral when I arrived for pre-services at the end I just lost it and it lasted through the service and the burial. It was bad, really bad. Hit me like an axe to the skull. I started grieving with such veracity it became an overwhelming agony that was so powerful and lasted so incredibly long it was physically draining. I felt a bottomless feeling of dread and regret and pity that lasted beyond a chance of comfort at the time, and I have never felt anything so horrendous before or since.

When Catie called me, told me Mariah had died, I didn't feel a damn thing. She was sobbing on the phone, and it sounded like some bad practical joke. I didn't react, I didn't cry, I didn't get choked up, and I think perhaps that upset Catie as much or more as the bad news she was burdening. But I wasn't going to think about it.

I have been witness to women state the age old argument about how men have it easy biologically. How men don't have to deal with menstration and birth and menopause.......and they are right. I will never fully understand the ramifications of that existence. What most women don't know, however, is that, for those men that recognize it, the male gender human being has a couple burdens too, small ones comparatively, but they exist. One of which is this: as a man gets older, emotions become more diluted somehow. I dunno, perhaps its some kind of primordial coping mechanism or ridiculous gender roles or something. A strong emotion comes along, and not always, but sometimes a man can tuck away the excess to deal with it better. I'm always consious of it when I do it, too, and when I do I'm amazed that I am allowing myself to feel less. As a boy I first realized this in male adults and thought with horror that that was my destiny, that eventually I would feel very little most of the time. "Stoic". A word we learned in Sophomore English class with Mrs. Griffith while studying the Greek play Antigone. True feelings were/are important to me and I struggle everyday to keep a warm open heart, to not succumb to what is easier to deal with by suppressing something so important. But when there is too much to deal with in the world, it allows one to stay productive. That is a horrible burden of manhood and it is almost as stiltifying as menstration where a part of your soul is put away, never to return.

I knew if I went to that funeral, I'd be allowing myself, if emotion overcame me, to lose it again, and I couldn't allow that to happen. I know that is wrong. But that is why I didn't come to the funeral. I'm not apologizing, but you deserve an explanation and that is the best way I can think of to emulate it.

I also know this: When I was hurting, and I mean really physically hurting, at the gravesite when they were putting Corey in the ground, some of you put your hands on my shoulder (I think Hannah was one, I was sobbing like a blubbering idiot too much to notice who else was there) and I really feel that was the kindest thing anyone had ever done for me. You have always known me in one way or another as someone who, as we all are and I love us for it, was very sensitive to emotions (the potent cocktail of hormones in adolescence added nitrous to the glycerine). We were never cool in the broad sociatal sense of the word, but we were all very open in a way I felt the word "cool" was really supposed to mean.

The point is this. If I have to go to visit Mariah's grave, and I do, I owe that to her.... I would like it if some of you were with me. I would appreciate that very much. I might be just fine, pay my respects, and go. But if I do go, and I do start to feel her loss, I want those I love and who loved her there too.

Enjoy your life today.

I should be making dinner, but I keep checking email on the "conversation" and just had a thought. Mariah is the person who is tying us all together again. Since it's been almost a year since she left us, I was thinking of something we could do for her mom.

What if we sent her copies of our pictures with Mariah in them to her? Or made a slideshow? Not sure about the exact execution of this.

That way she gets to see a side of Mariah she didn't always see. Let me know what you think.

My last year at KU I lived in Sunflower House, which was very much a hippy haven. I loved it, it was where I really came into my own. It was two old house tacked together by a middle passageway made, it seemed of posterboard and duck tape. There were lots of old couches, mildew and some dying house plants. Yes, also pot smoking, which I wanted to like more than I really did. It smelled of patchouli and shoes and paint. We had communal dinners in the basement. There were people with names like Spring and Tahoma. Lots of people involved in feminist groups, environmental groups, and oddly, the math graduate program. We ended our marathon house meetings with "Long live the revolution!" Never mind that most of us didn´t know what the revolution was...I think I have a better understanding now.
One of my best friends there was a guy named Alvaro, a flaming bisexual from Costa Rica. He loved talking to me about orgies and open relationships, all in broken english. He could speak better than he admitted, but his accent was his lure. No...I never was remotely tempted to sleep with him or do anything he told me about, just put that out of your heads. I´m more conservative than it seems.
So, that spring, who should he bring to one of our meals(probably tofu cacciatore of tempeh loaf), but Julie Sellers. I was floored. She was working on a graduate degree in Spanish at KU, and somehow had become friends with him. It was cool to see her again.

It was around that time that I would see Suzanne and Catherine as well. We never talked that much, but one of them told me that Decker had been born.

Where are those two?

Turkey legs

Puke and Snot

Buying a fake nose ring

Mark, Eric, and Garrett dressing up and swanning around, picking up girls, like English peasants

Lying on the floor of the bus with LeAnn and Sarah, while they tortured me with chainsaw sounds after I confessed to them my fear of Port-a-Potties, that the scary movie dude who attacked people with chainsaws would come up through the blue chemical muck to dismember me.

Ahaaaaaa... here it comes now. Get ready to stumble down memory lane...
The first time i ever really met LeAnn... to this day... Garrett has never forgiven me for. *I'm SORRY ALREADY!!!!*... Okay, but anyway. The first time i had the GUTTS to go talk to LeAnn *lol! i'm sorry, i'll get it out eventually..* I was in third grade... just a little TWERP that was always out to get my poor older brother... but also VERY desperate to make friends. Unfortunately, Garrett was my motive to make a move on HIS friends.
I had asked him if there was anyone that he "liked" in school. Of course, it was no secret, but i wanted to make sure i had my victim "pegged". And he verified the info for me, the poor unsuspecting boy. :)
So a few days later, Garrett and I were walking home from elementary school... and i noticed that, there, in front of us, were a few of the girls in Garrett's class. Ellie, Hannah, Mariah *i think*, and... like a light of opportunity beaming down... there was... LeAnn. Curly hair, slender and very pretty... Garrett was so screwed.
I ran ahead of my brother, as if death itself were biting at my heels, and announced "I know who Garrett likes!" And like a tractor beam SUCKING them all in, i was swarmed by Garrett's friends, urging me on... "WHO?! WHO?!"
That's when... with a flick of two syllables running off my tongue... i ended my brother's relationship with me... and ended his life.
Like slow motion, i spat out... "LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!"
It would be the worst thing i would ever do to him. At least, i think it was the worst thing. Was it, Garrett? I'M SORRY!!!! :)
For the longest time after *seriously, the LONGEST TIME*, Garrett refused to tell me anything. In fact, i believe he didn't talk to me for about 2 weeks.
But every time Karma bites me in the ass, i attribute it to torturing my brother. And LeAnn.
You know what?! now that i think about it, this is all actually LEANN'S FAULT, GARRETT! *go with me on this...*
SHAME ON YOU, LEANN! GOOD GRIEF! :)

Okay, i'll begin with Lesley.
The first time i met her, i think i was in 6th grade. It was my first trip to the Renaissance Festival and i was going on the bus from the high school with my family and loads of amazing "adults" (aka, teenagers... but to me, they were all amazing adults). I was so excited and scared as hell; not wanting to be seated too far from my parents, but not wanting them to be too close *for heaven's sake... gads, the embarassment!* So i sat in one of the brown leather seats *this is the coolest bus ever! brown seats instead of green!* and was looking around anxiously at all of the kids that I wanted desperately to get to know.
One in particular, sat behind me. She had BEAUTIFUL dark brown hair (which reminded me of Sarah from Labyrinth), big shining eyes and smiled at me with a hint-of-natural-rouged lips. I was hooked. I wanted to know her and become her best friend ever! *ahh, the aspirations of an enamored little girl :)* So, most of the trip, i sat backwards in my seat so i could watch her talk to her friend (who i believe was Jen?), and tried to copy the way they sat, with their knees perched up against the seat in front of them as they sank down in theirs, away from prying eyes. I studied everything about her, from her silver jewelry to her clothes, to her laugh. I was the youngest stalker ever to breathe. :)
Even if you don't remember it, thanks for humoring a little girl that was probably more annoying than charming when you met her. And i'm so glad that we became closer when i finally got to become an "amazing adult" in high school, too.

I woke up 1 day&thought what am i do n this isnt what i want 4 myself then i said it aloud i want 2 do hair it made it easier then i could move forward&b happy not just having the dread of going 2 work where it was just a job i dont regret it 1 min

The blogging is expanding to IMing. Jen and I just had a chance to chat online about the blog, "us", coming together, losing and regaining friendship. We thought we should post our transcript as it is -- a reflection of friends drifting away and coming together.

Lesley says:
heya
gwenhyfr says:
hey baby!
Lesley says:
really weird, I only had your yahoo one, so never saw ya online!
gwenhyfr says:
I just turned on my msn one.
Lesley says:
excellent
gwenhyfr says:
and put everyone on
gwenhyfr says:
what are you doing?
Lesley says:
just jumped on after doing dishes and before doing dinner -- I know wrong order, but that's always how i do it
Lesley says:
how about you?
gwenhyfr says:
space inbetween dishes. laundry and dinner.
gwenhyfr says:
I'm checking out my flickr stuff.
Lesley says:
the blog is becoming addictive -- so I bribe myself with post time after I get work done
gwenhyfr says:
No kidding. I have a post in draft I'll finish later when my mind is right.
Lesley says:
I know -- isn't it great? why didn't we do this before? it cracks me up that we are all just NOW getting around to doing it -- but the time is still right
gwenhyfr says:
We all had to be ready. Hannah and Sarah were the ones that weren't until now.
Lesley says:
I'm feeding on memories
Lesley says:
Yes, you are right -- and I was really glad to see Sarah's post and so glad she joined in
Lesley says:
I knew who her roommate was -- and it got me kind of riled up, hence my post that perhaps I shouldn't have put up
gwenhyfr says:
Nope, I know she'll appreciate it. Right now she's still trying to figure out how to blog from her phone.
Lesley says:
Yeah, I can't imagine how she can do it. Did she submit her earlier post via her phone?
Lesley says:
probably not
gwenhyfr says:
She went to the library.
Lesley says:
gotcha
Lesley says:
You know, I think the blog has been really good for all of us, of course. LeAnn seems especially thankful -- I think it took her a while to be ready to be back in touch too
gwenhyfr says:
True. It's hard when you think you're the one that gave up on your friends. Then you have that relief when you find out YOU all feel that way.
Lesley says:
Yeah, I remember giving up in some way -- but never admitting that that was what I was doing.
Lesley says:
I tried to rationalize it all -- but then, there were always different people in the group we bonded with -- even if the whole group wasn't together.
gwenhyfr says:
True. Sarah and Hannah got along better than say you and Sarah.
Lesley says:
You know, like how you and Garrett became good friends. And how Catie and Mariah did. And I did with Mark. And then LE and LeAnn seemed to in college
gwenhyfr says:
It's like we were jealous of our individual friendships and afraid to admit it too.
Lesley says:
Yes, exactly. And then there was a spring/summer when I hung out with Catie and Mariah -- so i don't know if we gave up, or just drifted, like you've talked about before
Lesley says:
Ohmygod, yes!!!!
gwenhyfr says:
Like we all had to be friends together and couldn't have a best friend in the group.
Lesley says:
Oh, I know!!!
Lesley says:
But we all fit in different ways.
gwenhyfr says:
Yep.
Lesley says:
So Garrett told me something funny today -- he said he made a book for me his senior year. But then he took it back to make copies and never gave it back to me. I have only a vague memory of this.....
gwenhyfr says:
he loved us so much!
Lesley says:
so he's going to send it to me. Should be interesting -- I have no idea what it is
gwenhyfr says:
I found all the quotes and old poems you gave to me so long ago. It makes me laugh, because I found my old poems too@
Lesley says:
Yeah, I found one that I wrote for Catie and Mariah, just after a night of us all driving around Marion aimlessly. it's 10 years old
Lesley says:
And I have a story I wrote about you when we were apart, you know -- about one time when we ran into each other at Art in the Park,
Lesley says:
Maybe I told you about it. I was so sad we weren't friends, and I kept thinking I was supposed to move on. I was so stupid!
gwenhyfr says:
When was that? Did i ever tell you how I longed for you when I'd see you around town? How much I missed you and It was almost as bad as seeing an ex-boyfriend when I saw you?
Lesley says:
Yes, I know. One time, I remember, it was like Christmas eve or something, and I ran into you when you were working at CMart. And suddenly, I just didn't want to go home, or go back to school or go anywhere. But it was awkward and we couldn't say anything ......
gwenhyfr says:
And I hugged you and got all stiff like I was some kind of freak.
gwenhyfr says:
I remember.
Lesley says:
Yeah, and I didn't like who I was very much, but I had to get around it or through it or somethinh
gwenhyfr says:
It was awkward because I was ready and you weren't yet.
gwenhyfr says:
Finished my post.
Lesley says:
I know! So we made it through!
Lesley says:
And a friend of mine once said that another friend of hers said that "you aren't really friends until you have a fight or a split or something......."
gwenhyfr says:
True. I think losing you know would be worse than a divorce.
Lesley says:
I think we've proved that. And everyone in the group is proving that.....
Lesley says:
I feel more strongly linked to you and everyone through this -- I can't wait until we all reunite in person
gwenhyfr says:
We need to post this whole conversation.
gwenhyfr says:
It so sums everything up.

I love change. I love the beginning of new activities, new events, the finality of completions. It's the in-between times that kill me. The waiting, unsure bits full of tension fill me with trepidation.

But life, in the past few years has been full of changes and transitions. Would it really work to uproot ourselves from Iowa and move back to Kansas when Marc may or may not have a job? Is it a good idea to try and sell our house? Where will we live? What will we do without our friends?

Should we move to Cheney? What about school for me? What about a job? What will I do with my life? Is this really the right thing?

I thought I would be so many things, president (I could still run, but those college years would haunt me more than Clinton), hotel owner, environmental engineer, fashion designer, costume designer, artist, jewelry designer, before I became a photographer/computer geekette. And I didn't decide on that until 30ish too. So I wouldn't let jobless and 30 be a deterrent for anything.

It's hard to make life altering decisions. What I've found works for me is to just ask God, the cosmos, the universe for some help. Sometimes, the answer is just peace with your decision, other times I've gotten INSTANT clarity like I did when I realized I could stay at home and work on my book.

Sometimes, the answer is to not change. (Blogger cut the rest of my post out, so here it is):And that's okay too.

I do have to say that I understand LeAnn's relationship with God. For me it's been truly finding that center stillness and knowing that you really aren't alone, that there is someone beyond you looking out for your well being no matter the mistakes. That's the best part and the part that most people don't talk about. Sure you hear the bible thumping, no sex, anti this and that speeches, but you never hear the love, the stillness, the peace from these people. That's how I see it. God wants us to love, to live life, to laugh to be joyful, to dance in the rain and sing in the fallen leaves. Now mind you, this has changed my life, but I'm still the overly sexual, spirit sensing libral conservative that I always was. I just have peace and guidance. So this helps when those big things overwhelm me. I think about what my answer should be and still list out my options. But I know I don't have to decide alone.

I also still know that God is everywhere, in my steamy cup of mexican chocolate coffee and in the tiniest locust tree leaf drifting in the wind.

Four be the things i am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend and a foe.

Four be things i'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.

Three be the things i shall never attain:
Envy, content and sufficient champagne.

Three be the things i shall have till i die:
Laughter, and hope and a sock in the eye.

~Dorothy Parker~

I have been mulling over some of our comments regarding religious and spiritual belief. It's really weird, but whereas some of you have expressed having spiritual renewal, I have kind of gone back to square one. Or maybe even negative one. While I know what I believe, what I always have believed -- I have no real faith in any outlet that would allow me to express that belief.

Sarah's reference to her roommate hit home in an especially poignant way for me -- I hate the fact that Sarah had to endure that situation. And it's mainly because I sort of turned into that person my freshman year at ESU. Not to the extent that Sarah describes, thank goodness, but I think it's fair to say that I constructed some sort of social comfort system in belonging to a herd of overly-zealous Christians. My whole floor was populated with very conservative and religious women, to say the least, and I know that I ended up going along with the crowd -- even if that mean going to some sort of Christ rally instead of a bar crawl. It was peer pressure from the religious right. Even my roommate went along with it for a while -- and she had never been to church. It was that powerful in its force. It's weird to regret religious movement (in terms of conversion or renewal) in one's life -- but I do rather regret my choice of associating so much with that group in particular. I regret not being a bit more the typical college student.

Yet at the time, I was thankful for this group-- and I suppose there are times where I still am, or at least should be. But ultimately, it ended up really scaring me. It closed me up. I realized that this was also a college "clique" -- one that ostracized others in a no-less disturbing way. I look back on the things I heard some of the men say about the women, and I'm unable to believe I put up with it. I recall that there were certain "popular" ones who never made efforts to socialize with those they deemed less than spiritual, righteous, or holy. While there were friends I had from that group throughout college, some even serving special roles at our wedding, I haven't heard from them in ages. (And it's funny, right? Everyone always says that the friends you meet in college are the ones you keep for life. Well, I DID keep Topher!) But my kinship with you all was always stronger, even if we were all separated for a while, than with those I met my first years at ESU.

I don't know... my whole point is that my belief remains -- a kind of glow inside me -- but it's detached from any kind of outlet for external expression. I don't get to church anymore. I never seem to feel peaceful there. The churches we visit around here seem to think the service should be a pep rally, complete with graphics. And then there's the political divisiveness and often, a lack of compassion. Even the last time we visited Eastmoor, the associate pastor basically turned his sermon into an angry rant against homosexuality. I can't handle it. I just never know how to get around all these obstacles that exist before you can get to place where belief, faith, and practice all come together. Maybe you can help me through this, however that needs to happen.

Ok, sorry to get all serious -- I should have shortened this up. I basically just wanted to say that the actions of Sarah's roommate piss me off! (ok, that's done, I'm breathing again) :)

Hi

If anyone has an IM account, either Yahoo or MSN, I'd love to have your screen name to add to my contact list. Topher has even been asking me, "Why aren't you guys scheduling group chats?" It would be nice. So if'nyawanna, just send an email to the group with your screen name.

The yellow rose bush in front of Hannah's house. I can still smell them. Learning to horseback ride. Eating fresh peas. Big butts and I cannot lie. Liverversch. Not dissecting a frog and having to dissect a cat. Were we really learning about geometry or algebra or just talking? It is funny the things that I remember now. And the ones I try to forget.

Well to begin with I went to esu can I just say that 1st yr was miserable. I don't have a problem with anyone's religion and dont mean to offend anyone with what i am going to say. My roommate that yr was very religious, posters music reading the bible to herself and me everynite, it was like being in church 24/7. I made friends with girls that she didn't like and we quietly didn't get along at all. Jennifer was busy being loud at kstate so as long as i did what i was supposed to on the surface i wasn't noticed. I could get my mom to agree to whatever I wanted to do. So doing my homework and then going to the dugout was the plan. The next yr a semester of rooming with eileen and 2 other girls ended in a huge fight between me and another girl and i moved down the hall, no fault of eileen's. So I began the following two yrs seeing some of you around esu occasionally. Making a spur of the moment trip to mississippi to see steve whom I dearly love. Getting married in march of 1996 (almost 10 yrs where did the time go). Then realizing during my last semester while doing a practicum in early childhood sped that i didn't want to teach i hated it. Four years for what? TO KNOW that I hated the thought of teaching. So in my mind I was taking time off. I finished then ran to nebraska. I worked in a grocery store behind the deli counter. I know more about meat and cheese than anyone should. Then I got a job teaching preschool at a daycare which I loved. I had the freedom to do what I wanted as long as I taught the kindergarten skills that they came for. Along came Robynn in 1998. In 2000 I decided to go back to school and attended UNO in deaf education. I loved the sign language. Then I woke up one day and realized that I didn't want to teach. In the middle of all of this Steve began having unexplained grand mal seizures. He spent all of his time when he wasn't at work sleeping. He was on heavy medication. During that time we had Brandon in 2002. The neurolgists at Offutt left and Steve went off medication. Exactly 6 weeks after Brandon was born Steve was in the yard with Robynn and had another grand mal seizure. So the heavy medication began again and Steve refused to live his life in a coma. So he began the process of getting out of the air force. He had one more seizure before we left from the stress and chemicals he was exposed to. That is the only thing that they could attribute the seizures to. In Nov of 2002 we moved back to ks. I found a job teaching preschool which I hated. It was soooooo restricting. Follow this book only don't deviate. Yuck. I needed to be free. So I began cosmetology school in July of 2003. I had found something that I could see myself doing and being happy. Somewhere along the way I had evolved into a person that put on makeup everyday and did more than just clipped back my hair. During that time suprise along came Ian in 2004. A horrible pregnancy. I was sick for 4 months in the beginning and 2 months at the end I could stand without almost passing out. I should have known then that he would be onrey. So here I am now a cosmetologist and a mother. I am a hair artist. I don't know what I was thinking taking art in hs like I could even draw. I have finally found who I am and am not the shy girl that I was before. I am considering going back to get my license in esthetics too. As gross as it sounds I love waxing and facials. We didn't do anything below the neck in school. Maybe it is just my little bit bitchy side that loves to rip hair off of people's faces. But I am happy and that is all that matters

I hope no one was super in love with the previous look. I liked it a lot, but it wasn't that usable, and I should have figured that out before I posted it. (Sorry.)

This one is better and more useable because of the sidebar links to previous posts. That will make it easier to see what's new so you won't accidently miss any posts. (I thought of this after I missed reading Jen's update for a few days!) The white background is for Sarah so she can read the posts from her phone.

If you go to the bottom of the page, or see the last link on Previous Posts, you'll see not all of our posts appear on this page anymore. If you want to read an entry that's not on the page or on the list, click on the final Previous Posts entry. When that entry is brought up, the post list will now show older post names. In that way, you can gradually make your way to very old posts.

Likewise with the Archived month links. The entire month's posts will not appear once you click there; you have to move your way back.

In the archives and want to access the front page and earliest post? The page title, "Coming Home to Kansas" will take you to the main page.

Ok, dumb Blogger banner at the top. It's something that Blogger automatically inserts, and I have no idea why our previous design did not include it. I have gone over every inch of coding in this new design and cannot get rid of it. Sorry.

Hey ladies.

So, I've been on Gmail for awhile now, and it finally allowed me to send out invites for the service (it's by invitation only, and I have 100 of them to use up) Does anyone want an invite? I'll be more than happy to give you one.

Oh, and I'll put in my two cents and post something that tells you all where the heck I've been in a day or two. I'd just moved and just got my internet back up.

Later Chicas,

-g

I've been going back through and reading comments. It's so funny because we have all these threads of conversation drifting back and forth, yet it all flows together the same as before. Like we were separated days ago, instead of years. It's like we've never really stopped talking even though all these events have transpired.

Which makes me miss Mariah and her quirky attitude even more. I wish I would have known her better.

Sometimes I wonder why people are part of my life for only a little while. Is it for me to learn from them or them from me? What does my life say about how they touched me?

Okay, serious rambling ahead......

I was thinking about what Hannah wrote concerning what we do or do not remember. Like, I remember our Green group -- and I sorta connect that to when we all started hanging out. When we all "met", if you will. But maybe other people remember our coming-together as happening at another time, or in different increments over time. What are all of your takes on this? I know we "assembled" over time -- but when did all meet, so to speak? I'm running through my memories fast here, and will gladly take your revisions.......

I'm always thankful that I was young for my class. Because of that, I wasn't able to take driver's ed until after my freshman year of high school. And one day, after class, I found myself waiting outside the Hill Building with LeAnn ..... and I think maybe Hannah and Ellie were there, too. And maybe Eileen. And maybe Pam. (See, scattered memories, but they're still there somewhere!) Anyway, I don't know if you all remember that time, but I always think of it as when I first got to know some of you in the '94 class. I mean, we had always known who each other were, I think, but it was really hard to get to know people outside of your own class until high school.

Jen was an exception to this rule for me, however, because she and I met through scouts almost more than through school. Then, we managed volleyball together in middle school -- ah, yes, that era of too-huge glasses (both of us), horribly permed hair (me), and adorable cat sweaters (her). Then, I remember lots of scout trips in the Blount suburban with the sisters whom I like to think adopted me for much of my teenage existence.

Then the Green. I remember Jen and I started that up (like, I remember going in to talk to Giesbrecht), and then we had a meeting that basically started our "clique," you might say. I have no idea why our devotion to important social issues was such a revelation to our classmates. Slight tangent here, but at my 10-year reunion, Marty Teufel told me (after a few Solo cups of beer, of course) that he had always admired the fact that I spoke my mind in high school about the stuff no one else would say. And I thought, yeah, wow, thanks, and you couldn't admit that 10 years ago because........? But I know the answer to that question of course: it was high school.

The Green led to creative writing/forensics, etc., but who took what when? I know that during my sophomore year, creative writing consisted of me, Gretchen, Crystal Hicks, and Megan Schroeder -- that must have been the last of the small creative writing classes as our "group"dominated that scene for the rest of the time. (Ok, and now I'm done with this trip down amnesia lane because it is making me think of the stuff I wrote in high school which might only be worthy as Evanescence lyrics now.....)

So I guess my question is -- in each of your minds, when did we all "meet" one another?

Wow, I SO think of you, Hannah, and horseback riding all the time! There was something so beautiful about that little meadow and the orchard on a sun-soaked fall day, especially when you could smell the sweetness of fallen apples in the air.

So I guess xylem and phloem really sunk in. :D I currently have about five gigantic, almost bush-like, aster plants that are covered with bright purple blossoms all over. They look much better than my mums do this year for some reason. My gardening makes me nostalgic, especially when I am standing close to my flowers and I can watch the bees and butterflies doing their work in the sun. It's almost as if there weren't a freeway several hundred yards from my back door. The sound of a bee draws me in and makes me think of all the novels I used to/still do read where it's before cars and the characters are always doing things out in meadows or woods or on country roads and are always surrounded by idyllic scenes filled with the really simple stuff of life: sky, earth, and living things. Like the chapter where Laurie and Jo are walking along the road and decide to race, and then Meg comes walking primly by and scolds her for not being a lady. Ha! It's so kitschy (wow, I've never written that word before...how do you spell it?) is it not? But then, I have developed a great taste for sappy, idealistic thoughts.

It also occurs to me that more than one person has mentioned feeling as though they "bailed" on the rest of us. Wow. Are there any of us who DON'T feel that way? Because I do too. I really, really do, and at times I have felt weird about getting back in touch with people because of that. So I'm so glad we're doing this. I think Hannah is right...it was just time for us to all do our own thing, and that doesn't mean we shouldn't have kept better in touch...it just sorta happened the way it did. And some of our connections "stuck" better than others, because of geography or determination or what have you. But I think it will work out better this way than if we'd really really tried to keep things going all these years. I can't speak for you all of course, but I'm truly who I am now, and can bring that into our group and know that it's truly me and not just somebody I'm trying to be. Am I making any sense? I'm such a dork.

I'm going back out to the yard now. Asher is asleep and I want to wallow in the sun because we have a nice warm week coming up and it may be the last of the year.

I'm a little ashamed, girls. I've been reading your entries, and I realize that a lot of the memories that you mention I can't summon back. Maybe I wasn't there? Maybe I was there in body, but not in mind? Maybe I just haven't thought about them in so long that they have faded away? I don't know. I do know that as Jennifer said, I kind of bailed at some point. And at the time, I don't think there was much of a choice...we all had to go our own ways. Honestly, I never felt much a part of Marion...the surrounding countryside, absolutely, you guys, yes, of course...but there came a point that I had move on.

In the last 11 years, my adobe hut here in Ecuador is the place I've called home for the longest period of time. I've been moving and looking forward to change almost constantly. And I'm finally ready to slow down and root myself someplace. Looks like the Madison WI, Chicago area...I gotta be close to Ellie and Tim. Do you guys know Tim? He's awesome. They flew me home for the wedding, and I'm so happy for them.

KU was great in a lot of ways, and also really hard. When I got there, I didn't know a soul on campus, at least not anyone that I saw with regularity. And it was great...I got to define myself and try things out that I never could have in Marion. But I never went crazy, really crazy. Unless you count majoring in art crazy. Lesley visited once that second year, when Topher was still in Turkey. I saw Ellie a few times, and then more and more. For a while it seemed like our lives were on this parallel track...we even had long haired biologist boyfriends from New York at the same time, and then moved to Chicago, although for me that was just for a summer.

What else...I've still never owned a car. Word, Lesley, coffee is wonderful...I must start my day with it. Sometimes I swear too much. I was a vegetarion for a while, but not anymore. I admire you guys for being able to hold longterm relationships together. One of my favorite memories is of just me and LeAnn, riding my horse, laughing about plant biology terms that we'd just learned in Mr. Rhodes'class. Xylem! Phloem! And ísn't it interesting that we are the two that have mentioned the importance of growing gardens on this blog?

Okay, gotta go. The rain is letting up, and there's stuff to get done...like, uh, walking home?

Hannah

My mom put my wedding announcement in the Record right around the time of our first anniversary, this July, and ever since then, I'm on their mailing list. Now every Thursday it arrives, and I skim through it, looking at the 10 Years Ago and 25 Years Ago section, all the pictures, and--my absolute favorite part--the city and county docket. I skim the traffic citations, accident reports, criminal and civil cases, and domestic section, seeing if I recognize any names.

In this way, I deduced that Dr. Hodson has had a stalker recently, that Mariah's brother is filing for divorce, and Joyce Ford (Allison's mom) wrote a worthless check last week. I note that there is usually one domestic violence case a week, and marvel at how on earth a woman could escape a man in such a small town.

There's a profile section. Hannah was featured in it a few weeks ago. The article was really horribly written, but the content was interesting, and there was a nice picture. It was about her Peace Corps work of course. (I want to find a link, but I think you have to sign up online as a subscriber to find back issues, and I'm lazy right now. I am saving the paper copy.)

It seems like class of '94 is filled with Good Samaritans. This week, the feature is on, wait for it, Gabe Higgins, and his work as a Red Cross volunteer in Mississippi and Lousiana following Katrina. I hardly even recognized him; he has turned into his dad. The catty side of me wonders how he could possibly be featured in the newspaper in the very county that he had to sneak into for a class reunion due to an outstanding warrant for his arrest.

Anyway. I thought of mentioning his article because all this reminiscing reminds me of how we started the Green Club, and his response to mocking it and talking about his Black Club. You know how when you're a kid, and your parents tell you the only reason guys make fun of you is because they really like you? I don't know. But we made our peace later, and LeAnn wins the Lifetime of Cool award for her nonchalant response to waking up one morning to find him hanging out, eating breakfast.

Along the Marion lines, the paper also contained Jodi Smith's engagement photo, and I think, as much as it's a good idea to make peace with your past, and leave it there, I hope there's something normal and not completely unhealthy with having no desire to find out if she (or others) have become people you could now be friends with.

Hey, everyone... can you all please email your mailing addresses to me? I'd like to update my address book, and maybe send you all a little something...
nothing like some good mail... :)

Um.... I meant to post this on a test blog, but I guess it got posted here, too. Oops.

What do you think? I liked the design a lot in the beginning, but I'm not completely sold on it now. I'm not opposed to finding a completely new one. (I found this design online, changed the colors, and tweaked the coding to fit us.)

Is the text big enough? The archive link is at the very bottom of the page. Is that beyond inconvenient?

Give me all your thoughts, criticism, and suggestions!

As an arbitrary point in time, I'm starting post-wedding (sort of) and moving forward from there. I liked what LeAnn said about her initial friendship with Jason -- that they knew they were going to get married so they should probably start dating. That's funny, because I kind of felt like that when I met Topher my freshman year in college. I knew, in a way, that we would be together -- dating was a formality, I guess. Anyway, he and I married in December 1996 -- I think most of you were there! -- and that's where I begin my post.

This point in time was a rapid transition point for me, for obvious reasons, but in the next year, I also graduated from ESU, moved to Topeka, then to Marion, and settled into my first teaching job. (OK, not only is it weird to realize I've nearly been married nine years, but also a bit weird to think I've been teaching -- in some capacity -- for nearly that long as well!) My first teaching gig was at no other institution than MHS. Getting that job came as a complete surprise/
coincidence/blessing/curse. Topher and I had already moved from Emporia to Topeka in the hopes of finding teaching jobs or at least steady sub work. Then, back in Marion one weekend, I ran into Jan who heartily encouraged me to apply for the position vacated by Kris Burkholder. Yeah, I know -- it's weird for me to think about, too. But the idea was tantalizing -- and just enough crazy. At the same time, Topher landed a job at Peabody (not to be a great land for him we later realized, but at that point, we were a bit job-focused -- maybe too much so). After I interviewed at Marion and got the job, we found ourselves moving to Marion, just a block north of the high school itself. For the first time in my history, I was able to WALK to school.

All weirdness aside, my experience teaching at MHS was pretty postive -- I mean it. I was treated as a colleague and everyone had my back. Sure, I had to deal with snotty high schoolers, but I would have to deal with that anywhere. I might as well do it in a community that actually did care about me, as I learned the two years I taught there. Oh, I'm not naive -- I'm sure plenty was said about me that I never did get wind of -- but what does it matter? And my second year, of course, was much better -- I even had the chance/opportunity/death drive to direct the musical that year when Jan got married. (It made me feel good that I could kind of pay her back a portion of all the time she'd spent on productions when we were in school.) Anyway, after two years there, and Topher antsy to get out of Marion -- okay, so was I -- we moved back to Emporia to work on our M.A. degrees in English.

In December 1999, we moved to an amazing apartment that I still miss -- the story of how we found it is great, too, but I won't bore you with that now. At this point, however, I don't think Topher would mind me sharing that he began a rough spell in terms of school and work. His desire to teach had been crushed by a rough year at Peabody; his ideal jobs in software and writing were nowhere to be found in Kansas; he didn't have the resources to complete his M.A.; etc. He selflessly worked on campus at an icky desk job until I completed my degree and thesis. But then where? I had applied to graduate schools around the Midwest, hoping to work on my Ph.D. in English. We both had our eye on Illinois at Urbana-Champaign -- Topher even discovered a video game production studio that existed there! It sounded like a good college town fit for us, and when my letter of acceptance came, we packed up everything -- even LeAnn and Jason who helped us move here! They ROCK! -- We had to send them back to Kansas, however. :(

Now we've been in Champaign for the past four years, and it's really grown on us. We've begun to feel a part of the scene (even though we feel too old to really be a part of a college town scene). It was tough our first years here -- Topher searched for a job, even working as a barrista at a coffee shop for awhile. And dontcha know, graduate teaching assistants don't make much money! But Topher started working at Volition, the game studio, as a tester during the first summer we lived here, and after a few long hauls with the company, he received a position as a level designer this past February. It was a long road for him, but it all paid off because he really has what he calls his "dream job." As for me, my graduate work has gone well -- although the past several years of juggling my own research/writing and teaching every semester have been challenging, to say the least. Last February, I passed what is known as my special fields exam -- basically, a two-hour "conversation" with professors about a lengthy list of books in my area (medieval English literature and language). So, now I'm what's known as ABD -- all but dissertation -- and I'm struggling/working/loving/grieving/cheering through the whole process. At some point, maybe I'll bore you all with what I'm actually writing about! I hope to be done in less than two years. In the meantime, I'll also be teaching -- mainly rhetoric/writing and introductory literature classes -- , attending conferences to present papers, and trying to get some of my work publication-ready. After all this, I'm not sure what my job prospects will be, or if I'll even want to get a past-paced tenure-track position somewhere. Topher loves his work and we're thinking of buying a house here in the next year -- and that may allow other opportunities for us.

Ok, this has all been really boring job/school stuff, so what am I really like now? Hmmm. What has changed about me? I'm a better teacher, I think, and it is a job that doesn't stress me out as much as it used to. I am an academic writer more so than a creative writer, and I've learned to accept that change in my talents. I'm more 'girly', I think, than I used to be -- like, I only seem to wear heels everywhere, I finally got me ears pierced 3 years ago (how did I live without earrings!), and I regularly get my nails done. And I'm a bit more social -- one of my best friends here has brought that out of me. I really love to try cooking and baking more than I did when I was young. I drink every so often -- yes, I drink, and coming from a person who didn't get drunk until she was nearly 25, you know that's a change. So I guess that means I've loosened up -- some. And I've finally traveled to Europe (more specifically, France and Turkey -- given Turkey's location, I can say Asia, as well). I like BAD country music, and I'm willing to admit it. And, as Jen told me last summer, I was visited by the "boob fairy." (Wow, I think I hear her laughing right now!)

How I have not changed: I'm still an uber-perfectionist, to a fault; I still get pretty stressed out about stuff and I'm still accused of being "too serious," whatever that means; I love coffee -- can't live without it; Topher perfectly balances me, even when he's tired to death of me; I cry at any sort of slightly emotional tv/film moment; I am a fantasy/adventure/epic movie nut (does anyone else think Pirates of the Carribbean is a Princess Bride for this decade?); I love GOOD folk music when I happen upon it; I miss Kansas, and my parents, and my home on Highway 150 that will always, always be home; I love the books that first made me want to pursue medieval studies; I love the country and cannot handle being in a city for very long; I love my memories of Marion days......

And, of course, I miss all of you.

Let's see...I came out of high school having no clear picture of where my life was going. I look back on that time a lot now and wonder why I didn't plan for the future, why I didn't try to figure out what I was going to do with my life. After all, you obviously have to do SOMETHING, and it seems I should have realized that sometime between the ages of 5 and 18. But I didn't, apparently. So ESU was ok, I suppose. I didn't go "crazy, really crazy", as Jen put it. But I also didn't do anything very great either. There is a group of college students in our church now who I am semi-acquainted with, and they are all so very sure about their lives. And not in an accounting-degree-marriage-life-in-the-suburbs kind of way, certainly. Just sure about who they are and what they want to become as people. I look back on much of my first five years out of high school as a bit of a waste in some ways. More about that at the end.

So I spent part of college in this really REALLY horrible relationship. Made all kinds of mistakes during that time, and really...that's one of the major turning points of my life. That relationship taught me what I'd never known in high school: who I am, and how to be that person and not shrink away from her. Finally I didn't want to be LIKE someone else, I wanted to be like myself (anyone else hear a They Might Be Giants song in their heads now?) and for other people to see me and know I was just that...myself. Anyway...I haven't seen the guy since about 1997, and I have no idea where he is, but it would be interesting to see if he had learned as much as I did from that whole awful experience. Not that I'm going to be getting in touch with him ANY TIME soon. :D

So then I met Jason, probably about my sophomore year, and a year or so after we had been friends we decided that we were eventually going to probably get married so we should most likely begin dating in order to facilitate the process. He wanted to leave Emporia...moved away after he graduated, but I was still here in school. Then, miraculously, his best job offer (teaching) was back here, and so that was basically it. We've been here ever since, and I think of Emporia as home now. It's a good place for me, not bad for him although he misses "large metropolitan areas" I think.

Really, the major thing that's happened to me recently has been what I've been calling inside my head a "God encounter". It's hard to explain in a short period of time, so for now, I'll just say that I met Him and now I belong to Him, which feels pretty wonderful. I wonder sometimes how you guys perceive that area of my life back when we were all together. I never talked too much about it then, and now that I truly take it seriously I wonder how I used to come across. Another thing I am afraid I wasted, in a way.

So anyway, I've got my life in safe hands now, and this year we (finally, according to Jason's parents), had our baby. Asher. He's pretty fantastic, nearly 8 months old, happy as they come ordinarily. Looks just like Jason except has blue, blue eyes, even more than mine. Our cats do NOT think much of him at all. So basically, my days now consist of working around the house and out in the yard, and playing with cups and blocks and a stuffed giraffe (Jaffy). I miss work, but only occasionally, and I'd miss this even more if I wasn't doing it.

My goal for next year is a vegetable garden and a bigger flower garden. Gardening is slowly becoming my "thing", although I'm still in the beginning stages. I'm currently harboring a dream of opening a nursery one day...the user-friendly nursery. I want to help beginning gardeners realize their horticultural fantasies. :D

Crikey. I'm either really weird, really boring, or both. As I listen to you all describe your lives to me, that's what it makes me think. But, I'm right where I'm supposed to be, so maybe my destiny in the evolution of Us is to become The Regular One. You think? I realize sometimes that my life hasn't actually been a waste...it's been my failures and my mistakes that have gotten me to a place where I feel right. Jen was talking to me about this the other day, and she's right.

Now THIS is cool. Is it hard to put pictures on here, because I have some that I want to share now. The hay bale and creek ones were always my favorites too.

So, you remember a LONG time ago when I was going to put together a book together about all of us? I never actually got around to it back then. However, I still have it all clipped together. I dug it out today and will be posting some of it.

Ha! I found it! You know this is still one of my FAVS of Lesley. She was being crazy and made the puppet strangle her. If you look closely you can just see it's ears and tail.

i love, love, LOVE that the "group" is getting in touch on the Blog. It's so nice to hear about everyone's lives and the memories. I know Mariah would've really enjoyed it, too. Whenever we talked on the phone, she'd ask if i knew what was going on with everyone; sadly, every time she asked, i had to say that i didn't know.
i find myself thinking about Mariah a lot of the time and missing her smile... and making her laugh so hard that she'd let out a little mariah-snort... or pushing her to the brink in our conversations where she has to go so far as to retaliate with a verbal "bite me, hobag"... ;)
I still get the urge to call her when something BIG happens... and just recently deleted her old phone number from my cell phone. It's a little ridiculous, but it was a hard thing to do. I even called it one last time and got an answering service that stated to leave a message because Brian and his new roommate weren't home. I haven't spoken to him since the funeral.
i haven't seen Julie since the funeral as well, and i'm a little afraid to. I feel so guilty for not going in to see her... but i'm afraid that we might become too emotional... or that maybe i alone might, and make her uncomfortable.
In any case, I know Mariah would be ecstatic to know that we're all in contact again. She would want to be posting little messages as well... which i'm sure would be filled to the brim with "whatever"s, "wanker"s and "bite me"s, just to make everyone, including herself, smile.

I went to college. Went crazy, really crazy. Came home. Became a witch. (I still remember freaking Nick Volker out about that one. Ironically enough he was a priest here in Wichita for a while.) Spent tons of time driving all over the backroads. Wrote. So now that's short version of 1992-1994.

After reading everyone's stuff, was 96 some kind of pinnacle life turning year? It's like we all started to come into ourselves. But I digress, on with my story.

During the whole wicca phase I had started dating Marc. We were very good friends and part of the same group in college. He had recently gotten divorced (let me tell you I was way too happy about that) to his little evil German wife. I say that not out of bitterness, but due to the fact that she really was an evil little German girl. I met her and didn't like her. She didn't like me either. We talked occasionally after that and started dating around Saint Patrick's Day in 1995. He kissed me that night and I was gone. I knew after that he was the one and only. Thinking back though, I can remember sitting in his dorm room chatting, (this is before he was married the first time) and wondering why couldn't I find someone like him. Little did I know!

We dated through all my crazy summer of wicca-ness and he didn't flip out about it. On Halloween of that year I saw Chris Rye (remember him? The guy I just thought I had to marry in 92?) and his friend. We hung out and talked. Turns out he just had to see me and to tell me about his life. (Let me tell you, there is nothing quite like the first guy you've been with telling you he's bi. Not that I'm really surprised. His friend was a black witch and ended up letting some spirit out. This is really a much longer story, but written words just don't do it justice. We returned it to where ever it came from and I never did any witch craft after that.

I moved in with Marc the following January. We got blessed with Decker and married in April a month and a day after Sarah's wedding. Decker was born in November. That was an awesome part of the year, but I will have to say that the very best was Lesley and I were real friends again and my heart wasn't missing anything anymore.

We stayed in Manhattan until Marc graduated and then moved to Iowa. For the first few months it sucked. I called it corn pig hell.

Marc started to slowly love his job. He works for Rockwell Collins in their government department and gets to do some really cool stuff. We slowly made friends, but it's hard with work and kids to find time. Logan was born in 1999 almost 9 months to the day after Sarah had her first child. Arina was born in August the following year almost on Lesley's birthday.

Before Arina was born I fell and discovered I have a disease called fibrous displaysia, which leaves holes in your bones. I broke my femur and spent time on crutches until November after she was born. It was scary. They didn't know what it was at first and I could have lost her. But instead I am lucky.

We also bought our first house around this time and I discovered I really loved photography. I was working at The Picture People and finally working towards my degree. Some of my early stuff is on my www.flickr.com/photos/gwenhyfr page.

Then in 2000 we finally got tired of the long, boring drive to Iowa and being so far away, so we fixed up the house, sold it in 7 days and moved home. I remember talking to Lesley about this and us telling each other we had great news and we were only going to be a little ways apart. But it's not meant to be right now and I'm okay with that.

So we moved back and picked Cheney since it's close to Wichita, but not too close. They have a good school system and aren't too hick-ish. We bought our house this summer and it has tons of space and space for a studio.

I left out on of the important parts though. Right after Marc and I got married, like LeAnn, I found my relationship with God. And like she's said, it's all alright.

So that's my life, at least the short version. It leaves out the gory, crazy years but those are better left buried sometimes. I feel blessed. Blessed with family, blessed with a dream job, healthy kids and of course, hearing from long missed friends.

I think what I always loved was how we ebbed and flowed. It never really mattered how many of us were together or when. Our experiences were what made us. Sometimes I feel like I was the one that flaked out on everyone. But then again maybe that's because I was the oldest and had to go first.

I digress. Catie's reminiscing reminded me of hanging out with Garrett after I moved back home and how free I thought he was. Which made me think of running over his foot in Lesley's car. Which then made me think of the time I was with Elly at the country club and dove into the pool naked.

You don't realize how much of your life is wrapped up in so many places in one small town. Bohemian rhapsody head banging, yelling at guys from the car, swimming all day then hanging out all night, shifting whose house we were at, and the writing. Volumes of poems, stories and dreams. What story would all of these together tell about our lives, about each other apart and separate?

I wish my memories didn't all blur together sometimes. I think of snippets of moments, screaming contests on dusty country roads, driving endlessly in various cars, picnics, jumping on haybales, running across wheat fields, tangos, the list is endless. I am so glad to have been a part of something so wonderfully vivacious. And even more pleased at everyone finding one another, even if we are one short.

I hightailed it out of Kansas as soon as I could, leaving the day after graduation for Chicago. I have a love affair with the city that's lasted longer than most of my relationships (the current one included--though that one's just as strong).

I never really was that sure of myself until Chicago. It felt like I suddenly woke up after waiting all my life for it.

But it was also the hardest thing I've ever done. After growing up in one place my whole life (time at ESU doesn't count), having the same friends, etc, I wasn't even sure I knew how to make friends then. But the nice thing about being an adult is that people get better at making small talk, and there were lots of wonderful dark bars there in which to share a happy hour and make close friendships.

I fell into library editing by accident; one of my uncle's friends worked for the American Library Association, and he got me a job. I put in a mind-numbingly dull year or two as an editorial assistant, then finally got a production editor's position. I thought that set me up in a career, and for a few years it was ok. I even considered going back to school to get a degree in Library Science, emphasis in YA lit. I made a lot of friends through work. For a while I was even the unofficial social chair of all the younger people at the association: Friday night would roll around and they'd look to me to see what we would be doing (that was weird).

I also volunteered at a battered women's shelter, panicking every time the phone rang, unsure of how to deal with crisis. After two years there, every Thursday night, things got easier, or I got more confident, and then they offered me a part-time job. For the next three years, I'd show up at the shelter at 9 p.m. every Tuesday in my pajamas, and hold down the fort by myself until the next morning, when I'd head into the editing job. I surely did have some sleepless nights, but I got used to it, and it was a nice part-time job.

But I felt bad for transforming a volunteer gig into a paid position, so I started volunteering for the rape crisis hotline. It was sometime in the first week of training that I realized I needed to be a social worker for real.

Chicago was a personal revelation and a huge ego boost. When I was in junior high, my mom likened me to the ugly duckling who became a swan (thanks mom! She is horrified when I bring up this story, and categorically denies it ever happening, but it did.) and said guys would be falling all over me when I got to college. Not really. It was after college. Damn, did I like dating.

I was in the middle of rehearsal for "Gorey Stories: The Musical" (I accompanied on the piano) when I met Tim. I was dating a few people at the time, so I added him to the roster. It didn't last long. Maybe a month. I was busy with the musical, recovering from heartbreak, and had some serious health problems*, and I could tell he would require too much from me, emotionally. But we stayed friends. About five months later, we got back together, and I fell in love in a matter of minutes.

(* I developed a bronchial cleft cyst in fall of 2002. The first ENT I saw said it wasn't a big deal, and I didn't need surgery if I didn't want it, then it grew to enormous proportions, got infected, and even morphine wouldn't touch the headaches. I got a new ENT, and surgery went swimmingly well. No loss of nerves at all, and no one notices the scar now.)

Tim was a scary guy for me to date. He's a wanderer, go-with-the-flow, don't-make-plans, passionate fellow. Someone who said, "I can't see myself ever getting settling down." And "let's see where life takes us" when I asked for a commitment. I told a friend that and she said, "If you don't see a future with him, why bother dating him?" Luckily, I didn't listen to her. He has gotten me to relax in my need for control. I wanted to be an ice queen, and he brought out my messy country-girl side.

We both looked into grad school at the same time, him for acting performance. We applied to the same schools, hoping to get accepted in the same place. We weren't. We discussed all possible options, and finally said, "You know, this decision would be a lot easier if we were married." And it was. We got married and moved to Alabama.

What? Alabama? Never in a million years could I have predicted this. The South is very much like living in a foreign country. For the first nine months, I felt completely lost every single day. If not for landing my job, I might have killed myself; I was so depressed for most of the first year. Now a year into it, I have discovered tennis, and have a few friends from work that I am strengthening relationships with. And things are better now.

Things I love about the south: Cheese grits. Cheese biscuits. Low country food at work potlucks. Words like "y'all" and "fixing to." It's easy to save money here because there's nothing to do. Winter is 40 degrees. Everyone is so stinking nice. I strike up conversations in the grocery store. Our apartment complex has a pool. The slower pace of life. Tennis is played outdoors year-round. It helps living anywhere when being married fucking rocks.

Things I hate: there are no sidewalks. I drive everywhere. I've gained 20 pounds. The summers are a million degrees. There are too many W: The President stickers on cars. All the good breakfast places are closed on Sundays for church. There are no good, quiet bars to have happy hour. The extreme poverty is much more evident here. I miss city life.

We have one more year here, then we're moving back to Chicago so Tim can have a go at professional acting, and I can go to grad school finally at Loyola.