Coming Home to Kansas

I saw Mariah's mom yesterday.

I was in Marion because Dad had been feeling some pressure in his chest over the last weekend, went to the doctor, and found out that he had some vessel blockage. So, i dashed home wednesday morning to marion, and drove mom and dad to the heart hospital in Wichita. They did a heart catheter and determined that the vessel was to small to get into, so it'll be treated with medicine. We went back home that night.

So, i spent the day yesterday, making breakfast, running errands... visited my nana in the Goessel Alzheimer's Care Center...

And as i was coming back in to town, it kept coming over me; that want and need to go see Julie. After all, it had been over a year. The guilt of not going in to talk with her, let alone hug her and make sure she's okay, has been weighing heavy on my conscience for a while now.

So, i pulled into the flower shop, took a deep breath and walked in through the front door and all the way through to the back.

Julie was sitting in a chair, talking to a customer, when she caught me standing in the doorway. I felt a wave of relief when i saw her smiling at me. I don't know what i'd expected; For her to rant and rave, "WHY THE HELL HAVEN'T YOU BEEN TO SEE ME, YOU DISRESPECTFUL LITTLE TWIT? AND WHERE ARE THOSE PICTURES THAT YOU PROMISED ME!?".... and then kick me out? In my mind, i'm so dramatic and expect the worst. It's ridiculous. But, like i said before, she smiled... and there was that air of comforting relief. Mariah and Julie looked so much alike.

Well, the talkie customer finally left and i went over to Julie and hugged and kissed her *as much as she could... she'd done something to her back and groin... lifting plants and flowers, the poor woman*. It felt so good to do that again.

I apologised for not visiting sooner, to which she brushed my words away as if they were ridiculous and unnecessary. "Pssssh! Don't be silly!.. Time flies... and you have a life... everyone's busy..."

She pointed out her big callico cat, YoYo... "Did you see Yo?"
"Yeeeeeeeees!... Hi, Yo!!!"
"No, did you see his face?"
".......noooooooooooo?..."
"Take a look!...."
"AAAACK!.... oh my god!..."
Apparently, Yoda had lost an eye.
But it was healing over ever-so-nicely.
"Yeah... it's really funny when he walks into walls.... he kinda sits there, like, DUUUUH?!" :)

Then she introduced me to the kitten that she'd gotten on the anniversary of Mariah's passing. Playful and sweet... Mariah would've loved her. She always seemed so relaxed with her cats. Though, Julie later said that she'd decided that she'd become more of a dog person since she'd been working at the vet clinic. Less scratches and trouble.

We went to the office. She sat in her chair and i sat on the floor at her feet, and we talked about the latest news; Cried about Mariah.... but laughed about her, too.

She told me about when Hannah came to visit her. She said her heart almost stopped because she thought that she was Mariah. It saddened her, but she was so happy to see her.
Every time Julie started thinking or remembering and talking about Mariah, her eyes filled up with tears, her face tinted to a deep blush, and she would have to stop herself. It was heart-wrenching. And though i thought i'd had my emotions under control, just to see her going through so much pain... it just seemed so unfair. Like she was bearing more pain than any mother should ever have to feel and harbor. I just can't imagine.

I used to wish that i would die before my parents did so i would never have to feel so much agony of losing two people that i love more than the world itself. I don't wish that anymore. I hope garrett and i outlive our parents. I know it would hurt them too much if we didn't.

But then after moments of sadness, she'd come back with a smile. Or some words about Mariah's behavior or an experience that she'd talked about with her... that would make me smile and laugh. She seems so strong, but so exhausted with grief.
We remembered her crooked, spidery fingers and how she'd always paint the nails in attempt to make them look attractive... the 3 or 4 moles on her left chipmunk cheek... her toothy smile... or the way she'd stand impatiently and lankily ~ knees popped out, shoulders hanging down...

I told Julie about our blog. She's glad we're all talking again and she'd like to take a look, but she doesn't have internet access. *Would you all be okay with me printing off the posts that involve Mariah and mail them to her? I thought that it would be something concrete for her to hold in her hands... to read as many times as she wanted, reminding herself that her daughter is still loved so much and remembered dearly by her friends. If some of you feel uncomfortable with that idea, that's cool and understandable. But i think i'll at least copy the posts that i've written and give those to her. Let me know, okay?*

I asked her if there was a memorial that we could visit and pay our respects to.
She said "no"; she was making her own memorial for mariah in her backyard with her garden. There's an angel holding a bird that represents Mariah. *I think i'm going to contribute something for her to put in it. If any of you would want to as well, i'm sure she'd love it*
She also remembers her when she visits her parent's grave site in the Florence cemetary... "and then i talk to all three of them there."

I inquired about Mariah's ashes and mentioned the idea about the reunion at the lake. At the time of the funeral, it was my understanding that Julie and Brian would divide the ashes between them. Sadly, Brian said that he wouldn't be able to part with them. That it would be like "giving just an arm... or a leg..." It didn't feel right to him. And of course, Julie's upset by this. She loved Mariah so much. She must want something to pay homage to and visit that representing her daughter, just as Brian wants so badly to keep this form of his wife close to him.
She did say, however, that if she ever did get possession of any of her ashes, she'd like to scatter them where she scattered her parent's.
I felt so guilty for bringing up the subject of the reunion idea, even though she wasn't upset by it, and left the subject alone.

She confirmed Tyler's filing for divorce and said she was worried about him. He doesn't really talk too much about Mariah, but when he does, it's filled with guilt of unspoken words to her. I know he loved his big sister incredibly and that she loved him just as much... she often said so.

Julie mentioned that she goes to a support group for parents that have lost their children. I asked how big the group was.... she said, "Well... when you think about it... there are lot of parents in this area that have lost their kids. So, it's a good size." I hadn't ever really thought about it. But she's so right and I'm really glad that she has that support.

We must've talked for an hour and a half.

And when it was time for me to go, we exchanged address/phone #s, hugged and kissed each other, said goodbye, pledged to keep in touch, and i went home.

It was almost like talking with Mariah again. They look so much alike. Mariah inherited so much of Julie. I hope she'd realized it, too.