belief & behavior
I have been mulling over some of our comments regarding religious and spiritual belief. It's really weird, but whereas some of you have expressed having spiritual renewal, I have kind of gone back to square one. Or maybe even negative one. While I know what I believe, what I always have believed -- I have no real faith in any outlet that would allow me to express that belief.
Sarah's reference to her roommate hit home in an especially poignant way for me -- I hate the fact that Sarah had to endure that situation. And it's mainly because I sort of turned into that person my freshman year at ESU. Not to the extent that Sarah describes, thank goodness, but I think it's fair to say that I constructed some sort of social comfort system in belonging to a herd of overly-zealous Christians. My whole floor was populated with very conservative and religious women, to say the least, and I know that I ended up going along with the crowd -- even if that mean going to some sort of Christ rally instead of a bar crawl. It was peer pressure from the religious right. Even my roommate went along with it for a while -- and she had never been to church. It was that powerful in its force. It's weird to regret religious movement (in terms of conversion or renewal) in one's life -- but I do rather regret my choice of associating so much with that group in particular. I regret not being a bit more the typical college student.
Yet at the time, I was thankful for this group-- and I suppose there are times where I still am, or at least should be. But ultimately, it ended up really scaring me. It closed me up. I realized that this was also a college "clique" -- one that ostracized others in a no-less disturbing way. I look back on the things I heard some of the men say about the women, and I'm unable to believe I put up with it. I recall that there were certain "popular" ones who never made efforts to socialize with those they deemed less than spiritual, righteous, or holy. While there were friends I had from that group throughout college, some even serving special roles at our wedding, I haven't heard from them in ages. (And it's funny, right? Everyone always says that the friends you meet in college are the ones you keep for life. Well, I DID keep Topher!) But my kinship with you all was always stronger, even if we were all separated for a while, than with those I met my first years at ESU.
I don't know... my whole point is that my belief remains -- a kind of glow inside me -- but it's detached from any kind of outlet for external expression. I don't get to church anymore. I never seem to feel peaceful there. The churches we visit around here seem to think the service should be a pep rally, complete with graphics. And then there's the political divisiveness and often, a lack of compassion. Even the last time we visited Eastmoor, the associate pastor basically turned his sermon into an angry rant against homosexuality. I can't handle it. I just never know how to get around all these obstacles that exist before you can get to place where belief, faith, and practice all come together. Maybe you can help me through this, however that needs to happen.
Ok, sorry to get all serious -- I should have shortened this up. I basically just wanted to say that the actions of Sarah's roommate piss me off! (ok, that's done, I'm breathing again) :)
Sarah's reference to her roommate hit home in an especially poignant way for me -- I hate the fact that Sarah had to endure that situation. And it's mainly because I sort of turned into that person my freshman year at ESU. Not to the extent that Sarah describes, thank goodness, but I think it's fair to say that I constructed some sort of social comfort system in belonging to a herd of overly-zealous Christians. My whole floor was populated with very conservative and religious women, to say the least, and I know that I ended up going along with the crowd -- even if that mean going to some sort of Christ rally instead of a bar crawl. It was peer pressure from the religious right. Even my roommate went along with it for a while -- and she had never been to church. It was that powerful in its force. It's weird to regret religious movement (in terms of conversion or renewal) in one's life -- but I do rather regret my choice of associating so much with that group in particular. I regret not being a bit more the typical college student.
Yet at the time, I was thankful for this group-- and I suppose there are times where I still am, or at least should be. But ultimately, it ended up really scaring me. It closed me up. I realized that this was also a college "clique" -- one that ostracized others in a no-less disturbing way. I look back on the things I heard some of the men say about the women, and I'm unable to believe I put up with it. I recall that there were certain "popular" ones who never made efforts to socialize with those they deemed less than spiritual, righteous, or holy. While there were friends I had from that group throughout college, some even serving special roles at our wedding, I haven't heard from them in ages. (And it's funny, right? Everyone always says that the friends you meet in college are the ones you keep for life. Well, I DID keep Topher!) But my kinship with you all was always stronger, even if we were all separated for a while, than with those I met my first years at ESU.
I don't know... my whole point is that my belief remains -- a kind of glow inside me -- but it's detached from any kind of outlet for external expression. I don't get to church anymore. I never seem to feel peaceful there. The churches we visit around here seem to think the service should be a pep rally, complete with graphics. And then there's the political divisiveness and often, a lack of compassion. Even the last time we visited Eastmoor, the associate pastor basically turned his sermon into an angry rant against homosexuality. I can't handle it. I just never know how to get around all these obstacles that exist before you can get to place where belief, faith, and practice all come together. Maybe you can help me through this, however that needs to happen.
Ok, sorry to get all serious -- I should have shortened this up. I basically just wanted to say that the actions of Sarah's roommate piss me off! (ok, that's done, I'm breathing again) :)
posted by Lesley at 3:56 PM
7 Comments:
All those folks make me nervous and put me on the defensive. Despite a brief stint as a strong Christian the summers I was a camp counselor in college, it just never really stuck, and I am comfortable with that.
It helped to marry a pagan, too. He introduced me to the term "Great Spirit," and though I haven't sussed out what that means for myself, it's a term I'm more comfortable with than anything else.
For a while, we went to a nondenom church here, a start-up that meets in a movie theatre. We started going because his friend Meghan is really into it, and the people are nice, but I'm just so uncomfortable with some of the things the preacher (albeit a great public speaker) says. Tim's good at filtering through to get what he needs from the message, but I'm not. (Plus, I'm sensitive, and love my pagan husband, so I don't like hearing that word used in the pejorative sense.)
This week we meant to go back (Meghan's boyfriend is a big part of the church, and I think she's going to break up with him, so we want to support her by being there). We got dressed, drove to the parking lot, and sat there looking at the church banner they hang in front of the marquee every Sunday, and turned around and went to Target instead. It just doesn't feel right anymore, and we wouldn't be true to ourselves if we made ourselves go.
If I'm going to church, I want it to be the little stone church on the hill (Marion Presby), with history in the air, and heavy hymnals to hold while I sing the alto harmony line. I don't like contemporary Christian rock or reading the words off a PowerPoint presentation.
Spending the morning with the love of my life, shopping, having a picnic during the gorgeous fall weather, that's more spiritually renewing than anything I can think of.
The label "Christian" annoys me...not the actual meaning of it, which I do claim, but the way it is used in everyday conversation to describe "religious" people, or people who attend a certain church. The only reason I don't like it is that when I use it to describe myself, I think people probably get this blanket idea of who I am or what I'm like and they might not be right at all. (or they might, but that's just it...you can't tell!)
I hesitate to post anything at all here, for that reason and also because I dearly love each and every one of you and I don't want to be one of those people who uses every social outlet as a platform or a soapbox. There is so much angst attached to spirituality and religion! Isn't that ironic?
Lesley's post made me think, though...the part of my faith that causes problems or gets in the way or offends people is always the ME part of it. The politics, the value systems, the opinions. But I tell you all this because I feel like it's my responsibility: there is nothing offensive about the love God has for you. Because in the end, that's what He's all about. Just love for us wherever we are, wherever we've come from, and He just wants us to know that, to feel and own it. It's taken me forever (and I still haven't got it right) to stop looking inward at the me and start looking at the Him of it.
Ok, maybe I didn't make sense to anyone else. Like I said, it was hard for me to know what to say but at the same time I really wanted to say it. I'm such a dork.
Yeah, I didn't mean to start spiritual angsting on here -- but after reading and rereading the memories that we have posted, I really feel like our blog seems a very honest and safe place for such discussion.
And I agree so much with what you both said about this labeling business: When we identify ourselves as "Christians" or "pagans" (anyone know the Dar Williams' song?) others immediately run to one side of the spectrum or another, assuming they know exactly how to categorize us. Or they mentally begin to cross off certain conversation topics.
I guess I worry so much about the doors that close rather than open in these situations and relationships.
But I do agree with you, LeAnn -- it's about getting out of me, out of my own head space, for a while. I just wish I could find a church-fit in the meantime -- I, like Ellie, connect church to Marion, to Eastmoor for me. I miss choir, community, and tradition -- now it's so hard to find churches, even traditional ones, that maintain some sense of ritual, history, or ceremony. It's all about drawing a crowd, it seems.
And I guess I always want it a little less crowded, in my head and heart, when I come before God.
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I thought you knew my roommate. I met Topher for the 1st time when they came over to my floor. Shawna was in bsu. What college kid goes to bed at 9pm even on satnite? When she needed me gone on weekend found me a ride home. That is how i bcame friends w/Shannon Stewart. I just started coming home everyweekend to get away from her. It was easier that way to breathe and I got to see Jen all the time when she moved back.
I think it's a good thing that we all seem to feel safe here...I was afraid to post my comment at first but now I know I shouldn't have been.
Hey guys...I wrote this last night, before the cough medicine took effect and knocked me out for 11 hours. I hope it still makes sense.
To me the most important thing is that you walk the talk. For me, I´ve had trouble embracing Christianity because I´ve known so many who call themselves Christians, and don´t act like they are. But that´s true with any religion. I remember Ellie´´s evangelical buddhist roommate getting all bent out of shape about his belongings, for instance. And then here, among the indigenous people, there´s a strong movement away from Catholocism and towards pre columbian rituals. There´s a lot of talk about respecting the earth and nature, but people still spray terrible chemicals and the fields are covered with trash. It´s a lot easier to meditate, or chant, or go to a service than it is to truely live according to your beliefs. Which is I guess what we all struggle to do anyway.
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