Coming Home to Kansas

I am listening to a local radio program right now, and the guest is David Plowden, a photographer whose subject is "disappearing America." I checked out his website, and lo and behold, found a photograph he had taken of Marion in 1973, one of his many small-town America, black and white compositions he seems to specialize in.



They are sad (in fact, he and the radio host are talking about that now), but I can't stop looking at them. There are many on his website of barns, rural landscapes, deserted houses. They capture that starkness of the plains -- and reminded me of what Ellie had talked about on her blog a while back.

I don't know if I'd say, enjoy, necessarily, but they are worth a look. They appeal to my enjoyment of strict perspective.

I've been out of touch for a while, but I have been reading the blog whenever I get the chance. I love the duck photo.

Well, it's getting close now. Last night I slept in my little adobe house for the last time. My neighbors who bought my stuff had already taken everything away, so all I had was the mattress on the floor. I had my stereo playing ellie's I Remember CD. It seemed appropriate somehow.

It's been a tense couple of weeks. Ecuador is in the middle of trade talks with the US, about a free trade agreement, and for a variety of reasons, the indigenous groups called nationwide strikes, effectively cutting off transportation through most of the mountains. There wasn´t much activity where I lived, just a lot of mud piled in the road in a few places for a day or two, but up north it was pretty bad. And, for a couple of days it looked like I wouldn´t be able to leave because of road blocks farther north. So I was a little panicked, trying to get everything organized to leave, say goodbye, wrap things up.

Here's the thing though. I've made some good friends here, and they all cry and get emotional when I tell them I'm leaving. But, I do believe I'll be coming back to visit, and anyway, in my head I'm already planning my new life. So I don't cry, and I don't really know how to handle it when someone else does. I wish I could be more in the moment...I mean, my gosh, I'm not at home yet...and who knows how it will REALLY be once I get there...

But, Yay! not long now. I'm planning some little gifts for all of you...

I had an idea. I thought I would share my favorite picture that I have taken this week. I took this yesterday morning in the parking lot of where I was taking my test. It was 34 degrees outside and here were these ducks just waddling around. Not a pond insight. It actually made me stop thinking about wanting to throw up. Anyway I thought I would share!

I know Catie is on there. Anyone else?

I am kind of (a lot) freaked out by it. I was bored at work yesterday, so I did a search for ESU alums, and was disturbed with my poor memory because I didn't recognize many people. (I did, however, come across some annoying theatre people, the first love of my life, and a guy who really dicked me over senior year. Oh, and also one of Garrett's exes.) Then today, I did an MHS search, and I guess you can see who accesses your pages, because suddenly Zack Bauman sent me a message, and then Tony Whateverhisnamewas (from our class) did too.

I think you guys are the extent of how much I'm willing to access my past. It weirded me out to see kids on there, posting pictures of them drinking (legally) when I can remember them nearly in diapers. Also, for instance, with Tony, I'm glad to know he's doing well, but I have no interest in staying in touch.

Also, though I dearly love being able to Google people, I think I was so rattled by people contacting me because I'm used to being fairly anonymous on the Internet, and I don't want to be so easily trackable (the aftereffects of an abusive boyfriend). I suppose that sounds contrary for someone who has a public blog, but I try to avoid using identifying info on there, like where I work, live, etc. (Oh yeah, and Friendster doesn't freak me out quite as much.)

Anyway. Hi.

This was a little splurge for me, because we don't really have room in the budget for frivolous entertainment, but I got a good price on eBay for the documentary about Andy Goldsworthy, "Rivers and Tides." I first heard about him from Harry and Margie--they had a book of photographs of his work. I was absolutely enthralled. It took me a few years to find out that there was a documentary about him.

Have you ever heard of him? He's an environmental sculptor from Scotland. I love his stuff so much.

Jen, me, LeAnn, Ellie, and Mariah, in Ellie's room, maybe fall of 1993?



The photo that inspired my drawing, at a campout, maybe spring of 1993?

This was at an after-prom party -- perhaps the one Ellie remembers when it rained and we had to run madly to our cars from the gym? I think the two of you are watching karaoke, and I'd give money to know who was up there.... oh wait, probably Nick.

I finally got a few photographs scanned, and I have always loved these of Catie, Mariah, and LeAnn. There are a few others we took that day, before we enjoyed the epic event of the Peabody fireworks! You can't get the sense of it here exactly, but the evening light was fantastic, just before sunset.

Ok, so I had to go to the pharmacy yesterday and Ellie, guess who still works there? She's been there pretty much since graduation I think. Beth Kepka. Only she's Beth Leyva now and she's going to have a baby in a few months. She asked about you and said to tell you hi. I thought that might make your head spin.

She used to be a part of the tutoring program that Jason and I both worked for in college and I always thought she didn't like me because someone told me that she had designs on Jason. (Isn't that a Gretchen-like phrase?) I don't know if she actually DID because I never asked her, but since college she has always remembered who I was enough to say hi. Jason must have been a very inspiring tutor because there are several girls I can remember who had a crush on him. In fact, one of our fellow tutors gave us the cold shoulder for the entire last year of college because we had started dating. She was pretty mature. I will refrain from saying her name because I can't remember her last name anyway.

I hate "announcements", and I shy away from making them, especially in person but here too. Alas, I realize this is the quickest and most efficient way for you all to hear this, unless the Marion grapevine has beaten me to it. Do you guys notice, by the way, that people from Marion seem to hear all sorts of stuff about you and you have no idea how? Maybe it's just me, but it's almost as though I go back there and some random person asks how Jason's soccer team is doing or whatever. Weird.

Anyway, the thing I am not announcing is that we're having another baby. Most of the time I am excited about this, and the rest of the time I dread the first three months that I (confession) didn't really enjoy with Asher. Some people talk about tiny babies as though they are the coolest thing ever, but I have to tell you they cry all the time. Ok, not all of them do, but they certainly do their share. Anyway. It's supposed to be born on September 14th and you all really have to cheer for that date because Jason is very excited at the possibility of having all our birthdays on multiples of 7. He's the 7th, Asher is the 21st, and I'm the 28th, and so of course if I don't hit the 14th Jason's mathematical world will be askew. And we don't want that.

The bad thing is this pretty much precludes my attending our OSD reunion unless some sort of miracle happens and I have all this energy by then. So we will have to plan another one in the future, if possible, because I really do want to have one too!

FYI: I base my music decisions on nothing in particular. As you will be able to tell. The cds would have been on their way to you but do to a unforseen car window shatter they will be on their way in the next day or two.

Naked Eye Luscious Jackson The only song that I ever liked that they sang. I remember hearing Jennifer play it.

Can't Fight the Moonlight LeAnn Rimes I just really liked the movie Coyote Ugly and liked the song too.

One Headlight The Wallflowers I can remember driving with Catherine to their concert and when we would just drive and listen to the cd my last year of college at esu.

Are You Gonna Go My Way Lenny Kravitz Do I really need to say anything. So cute!

Hot in Herre Nelly Yes I know all the words Penthouse rooftop birds are feedin....

Say You'll Be There Spice Girls Yes I like the Spice Girls I often listened to them driving back and forth to Emporia my last semester. The longest most boring 30 oh I mean 42 minutes drivingl.

Good Better Than Ezra Lonely times in my apartment doing homework and thinking maybe I should have lived in the dorms where I was less isolated.

If You Could Only See Tonic Steve got me this cd shortly after I moved to Nebraska for good. Not his style but he knew I would like it.

Walkin' on the Sun Smashmouth I like this one for the retro sound.

Hollaback Girl Gwen Stefani Nothing like a good holla to make you feel better and even a little happier.

Whenever, Wherever Shakira No one can shake it and sing it like she can. I love her voice.

Criminal Fiona Apple I think this sounds different maybe that is why I was drawn to it.

Slave for You Britney Spears Ah what is it Gretchen called her the biggest piece of white trash. The perfect song to sing to her ho as Jennifer said.

Lightning Crashes Live I've always liked this one.

Disciplined Breakdown Collective Soul This is a good one since I had to choose and couldn't find their December cd. I'm sure it's around here somewhere.

American Woman Lenny Kravitiz Refer to previous and yum!

Plush Stone Temple Pilots I just liked it and thought maybe you guys would to.

Toxic Britney Spears I really like this song. It is my main ringtone on my phone.

Since You've Been Gone Kelly Clarkson She's cute and I voted for her to win the first year on American Idol.

I was thinking about a common regret expressed here - the fear that many of us have not been the kinds of friends we'd like to be, to one another and to others. And yet, I can't even wrap my mind around why any of you would feel that way. I mean, I do get it -- I have felt much regret after letting just a shade too much time go by before contacting someone. In fact, I had been forcing myself to accept that I might never talk with some of you again -- and nothing more than time slipping by had made me think that. But you are all so inspiring to me -- in ways I can't exactly describe and in ways you probably don't even realize. Maybe it's because we all knew each other when we were young and that binds us more tightly to one another. Or Garrett and I were talking about how our group inspired us so much in high school and even afterwards when we weren't always together all the time -- to write, create, maybe be braver, smarter, tougher, or even to dance (thanks, Jen!)

I ran across some journals I wrote nearly 14 years ago -- in 1992. I had generated lists of what must have been our jokes, memories, significant objects, sacred places. Just a few things I ran across, showing why I am inspired....

Hannah, I thought you might enjoy a detail I found about you sending us postcards from Colorado signed so brilliantly "The Lichen Princess." (I LOVE that and kept the postcard forever - I even remember your frustration, Hannah, that KS had the somewhat brash sunflower while CO had the much more lovely columbine.)

And LeAnn -- empress of the road -- , I noted one night where you and I just drove around all evening and apparently had an amazing conversation (subject not revealed!) because I suddenly felt that you and I would be stronger friends from that point onward. (Not sure if this was the same night that your window was busted -- do you remember that?)Plus, LeAnn, you made me this amazing scrapbook when I graduated that had pictures and quotations and everything! I still have it and even added to it as you instructed! Plus, remember the scripted story you wrote for my birthday one year? Amazingly funny and cool.

And Jen -- the lady of the lake --, aside from the fact that you were the one to inspire me to go out for dance team (ok, you may all think that sounds trivial, but that actually did wonders for my confidence), I also wrote about a significant evening where we were supposed to go to some concert that we skipped out on to drive around. But then, we were in the park, and it rained, one of those spring/summer showers that KS is known for, and we had to book it to the car, running through the rain-slick park and laughing hard all the way. I just remember that freedom and how it felt.

And Ellie, on my birthday, you came to the library when I was working and gave me a big book of poetry, one of those marvelous anthologies that pretty much aided in sealing my fate as a lit freak....And speaking of books, Garrett! You gave to me one of your own poetry after I graduated!

And I know there's more about each of you in my journals and scrapbooks....but I mainly wanted to tell some of you, right now, how you've been my muses in sometimes simple, always unique ways. (A bit mushy, I know, but work with me, here)

Today on our new computer that we decided to get I burned a music cd, my first ever, how exciting for me. So I do believe that you all might be receiving a cd in the mail sometime in the future. Most of you, if you didn't mail me something I have googled, but if you don't think that I have your address feel free to email if you would like a copy of it. Jennifer also told me the other day if you want a laugh you need to call me so that you can hear the call tone for my phone. I was tired of the ringing that you hear when you wait for me to answer so I added a little ear entertainment.

The past few days, on the drive home, I start panicking a bit, and getting dizzy. All because I just found out UIC made a decision about me and mailed me their letter last Friday. And I've been racing to the mailbox all week, and there's been nothing. (There was also an incident on Monday where some juvenile offenders--the delinquents who live below us, I suspect--who made off with a bag of mail from our mailman, so I was worried the letter had gotten nicked.)

Well, it finally arrived, and I guess they like me and want me in their program!!!! I am so freaking relieved to finally know for sure. All talk of next year has had to be prefaced by IF, not WHEN, regarding grad school. But now we can start making plans and relinquishing our firm grip on our savings.

EEEEEKKK!