Empty Chair
Hey guys.....um. I've been thinking. About Mariah. I think most of you know I wasn't there at Mariah's funeral. I owe an explanation, I think. I didn't go on purpose, and I hope you will all forgive me. Lesley, Jen, and Sarah you may not know about this, but when Corey Darrow died, I didn't take it very well. I was fine when I heard he had died in the accident, I was fine in the days before the funeral. But the day of the funeral when I arrived for pre-services at the end I just lost it and it lasted through the service and the burial. It was bad, really bad. Hit me like an axe to the skull. I started grieving with such veracity it became an overwhelming agony that was so powerful and lasted so incredibly long it was physically draining. I felt a bottomless feeling of dread and regret and pity that lasted beyond a chance of comfort at the time, and I have never felt anything so horrendous before or since.
When Catie called me, told me Mariah had died, I didn't feel a damn thing. She was sobbing on the phone, and it sounded like some bad practical joke. I didn't react, I didn't cry, I didn't get choked up, and I think perhaps that upset Catie as much or more as the bad news she was burdening. But I wasn't going to think about it.
I have been witness to women state the age old argument about how men have it easy biologically. How men don't have to deal with menstration and birth and menopause.......and they are right. I will never fully understand the ramifications of that existence. What most women don't know, however, is that, for those men that recognize it, the male gender human being has a couple burdens too, small ones comparatively, but they exist. One of which is this: as a man gets older, emotions become more diluted somehow. I dunno, perhaps its some kind of primordial coping mechanism or ridiculous gender roles or something. A strong emotion comes along, and not always, but sometimes a man can tuck away the excess to deal with it better. I'm always consious of it when I do it, too, and when I do I'm amazed that I am allowing myself to feel less. As a boy I first realized this in male adults and thought with horror that that was my destiny, that eventually I would feel very little most of the time. "Stoic". A word we learned in Sophomore English class with Mrs. Griffith while studying the Greek play Antigone. True feelings were/are important to me and I struggle everyday to keep a warm open heart, to not succumb to what is easier to deal with by suppressing something so important. But when there is too much to deal with in the world, it allows one to stay productive. That is a horrible burden of manhood and it is almost as stiltifying as menstration where a part of your soul is put away, never to return.
I knew if I went to that funeral, I'd be allowing myself, if emotion overcame me, to lose it again, and I couldn't allow that to happen. I know that is wrong. But that is why I didn't come to the funeral. I'm not apologizing, but you deserve an explanation and that is the best way I can think of to emulate it.
I also know this: When I was hurting, and I mean really physically hurting, at the gravesite when they were putting Corey in the ground, some of you put your hands on my shoulder (I think Hannah was one, I was sobbing like a blubbering idiot too much to notice who else was there) and I really feel that was the kindest thing anyone had ever done for me. You have always known me in one way or another as someone who, as we all are and I love us for it, was very sensitive to emotions (the potent cocktail of hormones in adolescence added nitrous to the glycerine). We were never cool in the broad sociatal sense of the word, but we were all very open in a way I felt the word "cool" was really supposed to mean.
The point is this. If I have to go to visit Mariah's grave, and I do, I owe that to her.... I would like it if some of you were with me. I would appreciate that very much. I might be just fine, pay my respects, and go. But if I do go, and I do start to feel her loss, I want those I love and who loved her there too.
Enjoy your life today.
When Catie called me, told me Mariah had died, I didn't feel a damn thing. She was sobbing on the phone, and it sounded like some bad practical joke. I didn't react, I didn't cry, I didn't get choked up, and I think perhaps that upset Catie as much or more as the bad news she was burdening. But I wasn't going to think about it.
I have been witness to women state the age old argument about how men have it easy biologically. How men don't have to deal with menstration and birth and menopause.......and they are right. I will never fully understand the ramifications of that existence. What most women don't know, however, is that, for those men that recognize it, the male gender human being has a couple burdens too, small ones comparatively, but they exist. One of which is this: as a man gets older, emotions become more diluted somehow. I dunno, perhaps its some kind of primordial coping mechanism or ridiculous gender roles or something. A strong emotion comes along, and not always, but sometimes a man can tuck away the excess to deal with it better. I'm always consious of it when I do it, too, and when I do I'm amazed that I am allowing myself to feel less. As a boy I first realized this in male adults and thought with horror that that was my destiny, that eventually I would feel very little most of the time. "Stoic". A word we learned in Sophomore English class with Mrs. Griffith while studying the Greek play Antigone. True feelings were/are important to me and I struggle everyday to keep a warm open heart, to not succumb to what is easier to deal with by suppressing something so important. But when there is too much to deal with in the world, it allows one to stay productive. That is a horrible burden of manhood and it is almost as stiltifying as menstration where a part of your soul is put away, never to return.
I knew if I went to that funeral, I'd be allowing myself, if emotion overcame me, to lose it again, and I couldn't allow that to happen. I know that is wrong. But that is why I didn't come to the funeral. I'm not apologizing, but you deserve an explanation and that is the best way I can think of to emulate it.
I also know this: When I was hurting, and I mean really physically hurting, at the gravesite when they were putting Corey in the ground, some of you put your hands on my shoulder (I think Hannah was one, I was sobbing like a blubbering idiot too much to notice who else was there) and I really feel that was the kindest thing anyone had ever done for me. You have always known me in one way or another as someone who, as we all are and I love us for it, was very sensitive to emotions (the potent cocktail of hormones in adolescence added nitrous to the glycerine). We were never cool in the broad sociatal sense of the word, but we were all very open in a way I felt the word "cool" was really supposed to mean.
The point is this. If I have to go to visit Mariah's grave, and I do, I owe that to her.... I would like it if some of you were with me. I would appreciate that very much. I might be just fine, pay my respects, and go. But if I do go, and I do start to feel her loss, I want those I love and who loved her there too.
Enjoy your life today.
posted by Unknown at 10:54 PM
14 Comments:
One of my memories from Corey's funeral is grabbing your hand when you broke down, graveside. I was always curious about how his death affected you, not just in that moment, but all around.
i was never angry. i was upset, but not angry. it was hard for me to comprehend why you didn't seem to show the slightest sign of emotion over mariah's passing when i came to you for consolation; but then, i realized that i wasn't with you 24/7. And i didn't know how you felt about mariah's or corey's passing because you didn't seem to ever want to talk about them. i've always known that corey was a great friend to you *as far as your class was concerned, i thought he was the ONLY guy that had always been kind to you... was he?* and that it was the hardest thing for you to lose him. But i wasn't able to go to his funeral, so i never really witnessed how heartbroken you were. Corey seemed to me... that had you switched places with him, he would just as grievous about you and that he'd lost such a wonderful person in his life. I think you two had that bond. That's how i felt about mariah. She was my best friend and like a sister to me.
When i went to mariah's funeral, i was hoping to see all of her friends there. I was so sure that they would be. Sadly, the only other person there out of the "group" was Eileen. And i didn't know her very well, but i knew she'd always stayed in communication with mariah... so, little more than a big hug and a "hello" were exchanged.
The hardest thing i've ever had to do was get up before everyone and express my feelings for her and so many of my memories of her. Before the service, I thought it would be easy when i told julie that i wanted to do it. But it was heart-wrenching because i'd realized, that out of all of the time that we'd still been friends and talked every now and then, i still missed SO MUCH of her life. How many other memories of her could i have told everyone about, had we just taken the time to actually get together and make them happen? That's been tearing me up the most.
every time i went home to marion, it was awful. Everywhere i looked, recollections of places that we had gone to hang out at and laughed our asses off seemed to always jump out at me, as i'm sure it does for a lot of people. I miss her every day. I'm sure you miss corey just as much.
Going to see her grave would be nice. It would be the greatest thing for all of us to do in remembrance of her. but, unfortunately, there's no grave to visit because she was cremated. Julie has some of her ashes; Brian has some, too.
but since we can't visit her, i'm sure she'd be so ecstatic to know that we're all talking again, and nearly all because of her. She always DID like being the center of attention... :)*i can just see her flipping us all off with her crooked middle finger, her chipmunk cheeks puffing out as she smiles and exclaiming "bite me, slut..."* And I'm sure that she's really pissed off that we all waited to do this blog thing until after she passed away... but happy that we're doing it now, too.
it's the good memories that keep everyone going, though. and even though it's the male characteristic to hide your emotions, i'm glad we share friends that we can come clean with and let them in.
we could go see julie. it's eerie how they seem to be so much alike. :)
Sarah and I were there too. I saw how heartbroken you were and how you ached at losing her. I wanted to talk, but didn't feel I deserved to take that place away from you, one who had loved her so much and had known her so well. Anything I would have said would have been selfish since I didn't know her as well as you. But we were there and it was beautiful even though she was gone.
Which is why, when everyone gets home after Hannah is back we will go to the lake, where our lives together solidified, where so many of our memories come from. I have this vision of letters to her, folded into boats set sail on the lake with candles. We know that even though we are together because of her, we are celebrating what she has meant to us, how she has brought us back together and how she will be with us forever.
you were?! i'm so sorry... i wish i'd realized.
and i never would have felt you were taking my place away from me... she loved all of her friends one way or another...
anyone speaking up about mariah, she would've loved it. :)
but i'm really glad to know you and sarah were there.
the lake idea sounds incredible... i wish we were doing it this weekend.
HANNAH... COME HOME NOW! :)
Catie, my parents said you did a really wonderful job speaking about Mariah. I'm glad they were there, so a part of me was there.
I wonder if it would be meaningful to Julie to let some of the ashes go across the lake? I don't know how we could ask about that, though, because it's not really our place.
(First I typed "Mariah's ashes," then amended it. Then, of course, felt like typing up an explanation about it.
I was so removed, physically and emotionally, from home, and all of our pasts together, that I didn't respond much to the news last year, and I filed it methodically away. Now with everyone back in touch, it might be time to grieve, and those words might have started to set it off. However, more filing away needs to be done in the moment, because I'm at work, and need to deal with other people's tragedy, not my own, right now. But it might be time for me.
Fuck. Work. Must focus.)
Goodness. Yes. I feel so terrible about my own mundane reason for not going to the funeral now. It had to do with the baby, and sitters, and such. Garrett, I sent you an email earlier about this. Catie, I humbly apologize for failing to be there for you at that time.
Well, after talking to the stupid peace corps office about moving somewhere where I could really work on something, I´m about to resign. They seem to want me to just go away, and since i¨m not acting like I´m really here anyway, it may be time.
I´m so annoyed with myself for not getting something like this started before Mariah died! I keep thinking how it´s kind of a tribute to her, but still, she would have loved it so much.
Julie gets a lot of comfort from looking at Orion´s belt. I think she said that Mariah is the middle star, and her parents are the ones on either side. Also, she has a special place in a cemetary outside of florence to visit them. I think the ashes of her parents are in the flint hills, and she wants to put some of Mariah´s there too.
I also wonder about Mike, mariah´s dad. Julie has a lot of anger towards him, but I am sure that he must hurt just as much. He and my dad were always good friends, from high school, so maybe there´s a way to get in touch.
Ellie~ i completely understand. I knew that it would be hard for a lot of you to get the funeral *we're all so spread out!*; but it was really nice to see your mom and dad there... they were so sweet and empathetic... i really appreciated all of the hugs and words of encouragement that they offered after i talked about mariah at the funeral. Your mom, especially, has always been very special to me. I remember when i went over to their house with you one afternoon, and she let me pick out some of her pottery. I still have all of the bowls; use them every day and their always admired. I think Paula took our picture that day, too... didn't she? I'd really love to see that picture if you have one. :)
The lake idea (asking julie about mariah part) sounds really great... though, i'm not sure how julie would feel about it, too.
You know, maybe when we all get together again, we could all go ask julie about mariah's ashes. Not to gang up on her, but just to support and let her know that we understand; no matter what her decision is. And then we could all just gab with her.
Or, if no one's comfortable with that, i'd be happy represent and ask her for all of us. What do you all think?
It seems that grieving is good. It helps and hurts. But it heals and gives a lot of closure... helps you move on a little bit each time.
LeAnn~ no need for apologies, hon. don't feel terrible about not making it to the funeral. The baby/babysitters/etc... i completely understand that's LIFE that you were dealing with. It has that funny habit of not stopping for anyone or anything. :)I know you all would've been there if you could have been. It's enough that you wanted to be.
Hannah~ it pisses me off that they're treating you like that. They should be appreciating that you at least tried to get reassigned to do something more, rather than resign and stop altogether. Wish i had the power *of Oprah, maybe?* to go give them a talking-to.
i often think about mike, too. I saw him at the funeral... and it actually took me a few minutes to recognise him.
When i talked to mariah the week before she passed, she and her dad weren't on good ground and weren't even talking. I could tell he was so regretful of the time that wasted between them, and it was really horrible to see all the sadness in his eyes. I used to call him "dad". And almost did at the funeral. Then thought twice about it and decided that it wasn't right. I hope he's okay, too.
I don't think I can add anything that hasn't already been said in some form. However, I can really relate to what Ellie said, about filing her feelings away concerning Mariah's death. I remember when LeAnn called me to tell me, and it was just a week after I had been in Marion for OSD weekend. I felt so far away from it, like I couldn't grieve as though I didn't even have the right to grieve. Later, Jen called me, and the reality of what had happened sank in more, but I was still not connected to it, like it was happening at the end of a long tunnel, far away from me.
One morning, last spring, I found a picture of Mariah in the MCR, a memorial for her around her birthday, placed there by her mom. (I think it was also for Julie's mom, and I suddenly couldn't even imagine the grief she must bear, losing mother and daughter in such a short space of time) But the photo was Mariah's senior portrait -- and that was somehow the thing that finally made it sink in. I saw that picture, which of course made me remember ALL of the pictures we had taken over the years. And I remembered Julie doing the flowers for our wedding, and how Mariah had been so excited to be a part of that. And I remember my last contact with Mariah -- too too too long ago. I was just unable to move for a while. Jen appeared online right as I saw it, and we talked about it for a bit. But I know that my feelings are and were so selfish -- I worry about my own connection to her, whether I could give myself time to grieve, whether I could do anything to reconnect with our group. Whether I had rights to mourn a friend I had lost years earlier.
I am suddenly reminded of a poem by Theodore Roethke called "Elegy for Jane" that he writes for a student of his. He basically says that he has no rights in this matter b/c he's "neither father nor lover." I'm not saying that I didn't love Mariah and value her friendship -- I just wonder what rights I have. I want to honor her memory, definitely -- I just want my own outpouring to be worth something in the whole scheme of things, and I'm not sure how it can, at this point.
I feel that way sometimes too. Like I'm not worthy of feeling sorrow and loss for someone I didn't keep in touch with.
With Mariah's leaving, we not only lost a friend, but we also lost that last bit of innocence and immortality.
We know we are mortal. We know we will grieve. But we will remember her. And we will love her. And most of all we will cherish this gift she has left for us in her passing. She left us alone. But she gave us each other again. Such a bittersweet thing for us, but when she left here, the angels sang their song of homecoming.
The wind will sing her name forever, and our love will never end.
http://gawow.com/roethke/poems/98.html
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