muses & memories
I was thinking about a common regret expressed here - the fear that many of us have not been the kinds of friends we'd like to be, to one another and to others. And yet, I can't even wrap my mind around why any of you would feel that way. I mean, I do get it -- I have felt much regret after letting just a shade too much time go by before contacting someone. In fact, I had been forcing myself to accept that I might never talk with some of you again -- and nothing more than time slipping by had made me think that. But you are all so inspiring to me -- in ways I can't exactly describe and in ways you probably don't even realize. Maybe it's because we all knew each other when we were young and that binds us more tightly to one another. Or Garrett and I were talking about how our group inspired us so much in high school and even afterwards when we weren't always together all the time -- to write, create, maybe be braver, smarter, tougher, or even to dance (thanks, Jen!)
I ran across some journals I wrote nearly 14 years ago -- in 1992. I had generated lists of what must have been our jokes, memories, significant objects, sacred places. Just a few things I ran across, showing why I am inspired....
Hannah, I thought you might enjoy a detail I found about you sending us postcards from Colorado signed so brilliantly "The Lichen Princess." (I LOVE that and kept the postcard forever - I even remember your frustration, Hannah, that KS had the somewhat brash sunflower while CO had the much more lovely columbine.)
And LeAnn -- empress of the road -- , I noted one night where you and I just drove around all evening and apparently had an amazing conversation (subject not revealed!) because I suddenly felt that you and I would be stronger friends from that point onward. (Not sure if this was the same night that your window was busted -- do you remember that?)Plus, LeAnn, you made me this amazing scrapbook when I graduated that had pictures and quotations and everything! I still have it and even added to it as you instructed! Plus, remember the scripted story you wrote for my birthday one year? Amazingly funny and cool.
And Jen -- the lady of the lake --, aside from the fact that you were the one to inspire me to go out for dance team (ok, you may all think that sounds trivial, but that actually did wonders for my confidence), I also wrote about a significant evening where we were supposed to go to some concert that we skipped out on to drive around. But then, we were in the park, and it rained, one of those spring/summer showers that KS is known for, and we had to book it to the car, running through the rain-slick park and laughing hard all the way. I just remember that freedom and how it felt.
And Ellie, on my birthday, you came to the library when I was working and gave me a big book of poetry, one of those marvelous anthologies that pretty much aided in sealing my fate as a lit freak....And speaking of books, Garrett! You gave to me one of your own poetry after I graduated!
And I know there's more about each of you in my journals and scrapbooks....but I mainly wanted to tell some of you, right now, how you've been my muses in sometimes simple, always unique ways. (A bit mushy, I know, but work with me, here)
I ran across some journals I wrote nearly 14 years ago -- in 1992. I had generated lists of what must have been our jokes, memories, significant objects, sacred places. Just a few things I ran across, showing why I am inspired....
Hannah, I thought you might enjoy a detail I found about you sending us postcards from Colorado signed so brilliantly "The Lichen Princess." (I LOVE that and kept the postcard forever - I even remember your frustration, Hannah, that KS had the somewhat brash sunflower while CO had the much more lovely columbine.)
And LeAnn -- empress of the road -- , I noted one night where you and I just drove around all evening and apparently had an amazing conversation (subject not revealed!) because I suddenly felt that you and I would be stronger friends from that point onward. (Not sure if this was the same night that your window was busted -- do you remember that?)Plus, LeAnn, you made me this amazing scrapbook when I graduated that had pictures and quotations and everything! I still have it and even added to it as you instructed! Plus, remember the scripted story you wrote for my birthday one year? Amazingly funny and cool.
And Jen -- the lady of the lake --, aside from the fact that you were the one to inspire me to go out for dance team (ok, you may all think that sounds trivial, but that actually did wonders for my confidence), I also wrote about a significant evening where we were supposed to go to some concert that we skipped out on to drive around. But then, we were in the park, and it rained, one of those spring/summer showers that KS is known for, and we had to book it to the car, running through the rain-slick park and laughing hard all the way. I just remember that freedom and how it felt.
And Ellie, on my birthday, you came to the library when I was working and gave me a big book of poetry, one of those marvelous anthologies that pretty much aided in sealing my fate as a lit freak....And speaking of books, Garrett! You gave to me one of your own poetry after I graduated!
And I know there's more about each of you in my journals and scrapbooks....but I mainly wanted to tell some of you, right now, how you've been my muses in sometimes simple, always unique ways. (A bit mushy, I know, but work with me, here)
posted by Lesley at 6:38 PM
8 Comments:
It is funny the things that you save that when other people look at them they don't think that they mean much. I still have the picture that you drew of all of us standing in the creek and the card that you wrote with different things for each letter of my name. And of course the memories of biology and refusing to dissect a frog together. I also still have the little book that hannah wrote about marmots and rain and the little marmot in the box that she made for me. Plus every letter that I ever got from everyone. Every now and then over the years I would go through my box of memories and look at and read these things.
I have made friends over the years since high school some of them good, others not so much. I have realized that I have never had better friends than all of you because you came along at a crucial time in my life. I wasn't outgoing or made friends easily. Tammy had left mhs to go to hillsboro. So I was alone, then came that fateful day in art when Ellie and I bonded and I was quickly folded in with Jennifer and Lesley to follow soon after. I felt like I finally had somewhere that I really belonged. To fit somewhere. Since then I haven't felt that connection. I have two really good friends that I made during my time at cosmetology school. maybe I am just too bitchy and picky now about my friends.
There's got to be something in the makeup of youth. The excitingness of firsts, that make it impossible to create the kind of friendships we had with each other now with new people as we're adults. I don't for the life of me remember any conversation we had back in high school, but I do remember that we could never stop talking. Or when we did, how meaningful the silences were.
I don't remember becoming friends with any of you, I just remember BEING friends with you. But I know somehow I emerged from junior high with barely even my relationship with Hannah intact, and a year later, I couldn't think of a time when I didn't have five-plus close friends.
I think as we get older, there is more to be scared of. Back then, there was so much about high school that sucked beyond belief, we didn't exactly have the luxury of going tentatively into friendships with each other. We were each others' lifeboats.
Now we know enough, have experienced enough, have been maybe burned enough that opening up isn't as easy as it once was. And our priorities no longer rank friendship first.
As for me, my closest friend in Chicago essentially dumped me, gave me the silent treatment for a year and a half straight all because she thought I was too self-involved (I didn't learn the reason for the silent treatment until AFTER it was over. Imagine my utter befuddlement). This began during a really devastating breakup for me, so most of me thinks, "hell yeah I was self-involved. I had a fucking broken heart! Cut me some slack you psychotic bitch!" but a part of me worries that she was right, and every time I talk about myself I'm scared that's what people are thinking. So I go in fits and starts of opening up and shutting down, which has got to be confusing to the people I'm trying to get to know.
Hell, I even think that when I post about myself here. So I'm pretty traumatized after that experienced.
It is really awful that the insecure bits are the ones that stick around to mess you up, rather than the good experiences bolstering self-confidence.
**Sarah, yes, I remember our refusal to dissect the frog. ha ha! And it's really cool that you happened to mention that picture I drew b/c I just found my original last night -- (and confession time, I drew everyone standing in water b/c I couldn't draw feet very well. The photo was taken in Ellie's yard at a campout.)**
**And Ellie, I know the frustration of wondering how much to talk about myself when with friends. At the end of talking with a friend about one of my experiences/problems/issues/whatever, I always find myself apologizing for going on about myself. But then, why else are we getting together? why are we talking with one another if not to hear about the other? why are we even friends if not to be supportive? I know there's a limit, but I say, talk on. Especially here. We've got lots to catch up on! All of us, with one another.**
After high school, I think I consciously or unconsciously compare every friend I've had to one of you, in some way. It's like a comfort template, placed on someone to see how they fit the "models" of the closest and best friends. I have found some really close female friends in the past several years -- but oddly, none of them were made during college. In fact, I can't name one woman that I met in college whom I've kept up with -- too many changes at that point. Odd that people always tell you that you'll make your closest friends in college -- for me, it was before and after those 4 years. And Topher and I started seeking out couples -- that was a transition after getting married, I found. Overall, the female friends I've made post-college are all very much like many of you! I always love to imagine some time when we all mix up the friends of present and past and sit around a dinner table comparing lives and experiences. It sounds like some kind of experiment, but a lovely one.
And speaking of that, are we still planning a reunion of sorts this fall? That will come up on us quickly....
Ugh junior high 2 yrs of my life i cant get back.
Sarah...ha ha ha ha ha!!! I totally agree with you about junior high. There must be a good reason we have to be that age, but for the life of me I can't think how I'd be worse off if I'd been able to skip those 2 years.
I still have my drawing of us too, and I have a journal that Ellie gave me with some quotes and poetry written in it, and I think I've added to that one, too. What else? I remember giving Jennifer a stuffed camel for high school graduation because of some camel joke we had. Either someone chewed like a camel, or something...and I remember the scripted thank you note she sent me as a joke after that. "Thank you for the (fill in the blank here with the gift, so CAMEL). I will find very useful in my first year at college", or whatever.
I'm starting to dig up memories again now, so maybe I should come up with one for each of you before I continue!
Aw, I still have LeAnn's scrapbook, too!
Gretchen, was it strange to be in a group of goody-goodies like us? How did you fall in, anyway? I only remember we had a new girl in our class, then suddenly you were in the midst of everything.
I remember, Gretchen, that you and I played saxophone together in band for a few years. And also, there was a year in creative writing where it was just you and me and Crystal Hicks and Megan Schroeder (remember? we did the knights and dragons writer's cramp, the year before the class exploded to include EVERYONE). So I recall a lot of good laughs with you from my sophomore year on... I'm SURE we spent a few KU band days together in those damn uniforms, ha ha!
And LeAnn's scrapbooks -- we should compare the contents!
I have been wondering how Gretchen got there too. I think it was Hannah. She always had a knack for discovering cool people.
I only vaguely remember these scrapbooks, and I know not everyone got one, and so I'll be more surprised than all of you if I ever get to see them. Probably embarrassed too, at my horrid writing (or what I called writing at that point).
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