Other People's Opinions
I have a great new friend, who I almost missed out on. This is because of another friend, who I never really felt comfortable around, telling all of us volunteers that she sucked. That she was inconsiderate, gross, rude, etc, etc, etc. And even though I knew that those descriptions really were pretty accurate for he, himself, and I shouldn't listen to him, somehow it permeated. And what a shame. Because she's been here a year now, and I just now spent significant time with her. I went to her site to help with a gardening project, and it was two of the more enjoyable days I've spent here. We spent a lot of time cooking(I like a person who isn't afraid to eat), reading magazines, talking about what we want to do after PC, sex, bad boyfriends we have had, working with our hands. Also drinking box wine. I hope I never get to the point where I think box wine is unacceptable. Now I only have six weeks left, and we both are really busy. But there were whole lonely months where I could have used a female friend, and she too.
So, what can I learn from this? Reserve judgement, reserve judgement, reserve judgement. Or you may miss out on something really great.
for some reason this page show up in japanese and I can't figure out how to change it. Anyone know how to deal with that?
So, what can I learn from this? Reserve judgement, reserve judgement, reserve judgement. Or you may miss out on something really great.
for some reason this page show up in japanese and I can't figure out how to change it. Anyone know how to deal with that?
posted by Hannah at 6:32 AM
7 Comments:
Not sure what to tell you about the Japanese thing, sorry. I totally think about this issue though, because I know that I have done this very thing and it bugs me that there are all these people in the world that I missed out on because I was too much of a snob -- or just too inconsiderate -- to get to know them. The other thing about me is that I have to make a conscious effort in order to befriend someone or spend any time with them because none of that comes naturally to me. I tend to stay at home, do things alone, and not pick up the phone and call people (as all of you can see). It's not that I don't like to be in contact with people, it just isn't a natural inclination for me. I've discovered that I am very bad at being a friend. I've been trying to do better though...
I am also very bad at friendships. I believe that if I'm not around someone often, they forget about me because they never valued my friendship in the first place. Thus, I don't contact them because I don't want to bother them.
I don't know where I got my friend-insecurity. I wonder sometimes if it's because I never really had to develop new friendships until I was too old (college) to really learn how.
I don´t think either of you are bad at being friends. I tend to stay at home, do things alone, and not call...but I don´t think I´m a bad friend.
Hmmmm. I´ve never really stressed about making friends, though. I think it´s because I´m usually able to entertain myself, and also, I have almost always lived with a whole bunch of people, some of which I was bound to have something in common with.
Evidence that you niether of you, my two longest friends, are not bad at it: LeAnn...remember when you made that box of stuff for me to take on the three week cross country trip my family took the summer we were sixteen? No one but a great great friend would have taken the time to write a note for every single day. It really made me so happy.
And Ellie...well, you flew me home to be in your wedding! And so many many other things. So many that I can´t even begin to elaborate.
I don´t know...we all have faults. My new friend is far from perfect and so am I. Sometimes I feel like I don´t really deserve friends because I´ve done selfish things or not been the nicest I could have in some situations. But that´s just not true.
Since you guys, I never really had many female friends. (They had a lot to live up to.) And I enjoyed having lots of male friends in college, and after. I have two close female friends here now, and I kind of miss close male friendships. It's been a while.
Ok for the record I don't think that anyone here is a bad friend or ever has been. I believe that we all just went our different ways seeing each other now and then as our lives crossed even for that brief moment. I don't think that anyone should feel guilty life happens. Example: A bunch of us went to ESU, how often did I see any of you and we lived closer than we ever had when we lived in Marion. Apparently Morse hall was a universe away. we were beginning to evolve. Although I was totally excited that many of you came to my wedding even though I rarely saw you. Hannah I loved that you remembered and colored the roses yellow on the reply card. That will always be my favorite bush and smell.
Ellie I don't think that don't know how to make female friends. You totally do. Take when we became friends. Then I was folded into the group. I believe that we too easily try to take the blame for something that was out of our hands. We moved our own directions and have moved back again but are evolved.
I've always really appreciated friends that alternately respect space and desire friendship at the same time. We'll have weeks when we won't see each other, but then we'll see each other and wind up hanging out often for a month or so. In my opinion friendship has nothing to do with keeping tabs on who has done what for whom (english teacher? is that right? a little help?); but the respect friends ultimately give one another. I don't need people to prove their love for me, but I do need them to care about my well being by not being disrespectful. I've thrown big friendships away in the past for that very reason.
So I guess in my opinion you don't have to prove your friendship, just don't betray it. And beyond that, I'm trying to ("trying" being the key word. i have a hard time remembering sometimes) save judgements for the courts and God. I don't think I've ever been able to hold onto a friendship for very long that began with a bad opinion of that person. Invariably I'd always find out my judgement was premature or just plain wrong. Embarrassment and regret abound thereafter...
There is this woman I once knew named Karen. Her son, Trent, was one of my best friends and they invited me to live with them in Kansas City one summer. Karen worked in a huge church there and was secretly having a relationship with another woman who also worked at the church. They kept it hushed for the sake of their jobs. Karen was divorced but had three children, two of which were in college. She was a very open woman, willing to talk about anything. One night I asked her if she had always been a lesbian. We were playing cards at the time, and she laid them down on the table and looked at me. Very slowly she replied, half in thought, "You know, I don't believe I am a lesbian."
My reaction is probably your reaction, namely "YEAH. RIIIIIGHT."
I asked her how that was possible, and she went into details as to how they'd met at work and there was something in the woman's face that seemed incredibly familiar, how they'd immediately interacted as though they'd been friends for a long long time even though they'd just met, and how she had eventually come to the conclusion after months and months of close interaction that they had always known each other somehow. Now Karen is a very "new agey" kinda gal, and she decided that they had known each other in past lives (VERY Shirley MacLaine). Even though she had always been attracted to men (the woman was the same way), this particular person was a very special case. In this life, they just both happened to be women. After deliberating on this for a very long time Karen revealed her thoughts about all this to her, and discovered that this woman felt exactly the same way and it amazed and frightened the hell out of her as she had been unable to figure out what to do about it. They rationally decided that somehow they were linked or fated in some way and therefore should be involved in a manner beyond the closest of friendships into relationship territory. So they put their mores about proper friendships aside and gave a relationship a go. So even though Karen was attracted to men, she put that aside for what felt right with this one particular person.
Why am I telling you this story? I personally don't know what to think about reincarnation though I'm not a fan of it. Reincarnation seems a little too convenient to me somehow. And I know that Karen's story goes a little beyond the boundaries of friendship. But there was something about all of this that struck a chord with me. Karen didn't have to "go there", she chose to, and I can't help but wonder what other choices she could have made. But free will is an incredible thing. She chose to really think about the people in her life, and I think on one level or another the good friends we have fill our thoughts in similar ways. Why are our "best friends" truly the closest people we allow in our lives? What really struck me about Karen and myself and everyone else is that every single person you meet each day, from the convenience store guy that you bought gas from this morning on your way to work, from the person sitting next to you at work, the person you went to school with, the person that left a message on your voice mail and the people you called today, are all a result of chance, external efforts on the behalf of others, and the little personal permissions you allow in little causes and effects that make up the reality of your life. That convenience store guy may be the coolest person ever were we so inclined to know him. So many possibilities, so many choices taken and refused! And the ones we allow into our little worlds, how lucky are we. How lucky are they! When I see things from that perspective, I can't help but feel more receptive to those that reach out to include me.
Crikey. I guess I know what Garrett means about chance and involvement and stuff in that you never know what might happen if you just decide to interact with somebody one day. And I guess I don't think I'm necessarily a bad friend, but I do know people who are extremely gifted at everyday thoughtfulness and hospitality, and if you define friendship by those the constant occurrence of those two things, then I'm NOT very good at it. But you all are right...I guess that doesn't mean I'm a "bad friend". It just means I feel inadequate next to some other people that I know. There are a few people in my life who are so good at just checking in to see how I am, or thinking of me at the right times, and when that happens I'm always like, "Wow, would I have done that kind of thing for them today? I mean, I would have if I'd thought of it, but I DIDN'T think of it." You know what I mean.
Since all of you, I haven't made any close friends at all except for Jason and two other girls that live here in town. Gretchen, I can SO relate to your crazy hermit feeling because I never feel the need to hang out with other people either. The bad part about me is that Jason feels that way too and so we hang out with each other and tend to not do anything else. It's a conscious effort to socialize, which I now make because I know I need the interaction.
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